Tuesday, November 16, 2010

on my way home....

i'm in the lounge at jfk....waiting for the flight that will take me back home to the bay.


as i'm sippin on the lounge's version of hot chocolate, i'm thinking back upon this trip to nyc. originally, i had envisioned this trip to be one of reflection and discovery. i had been feeling so restless....not as certain about my place.....and somehow needing to know that i need to step away from everything to evaluate a few things and gain some perspective. i certainly was able to achieve this...yet, not in the manner i expected. i didn't expect for my cold-flu to peak while i was in nyc....i certainly didn't expect to hurt myself and be laid up in the apartment for a couple of days....and hamper my ability to eat at more new places......yet, i did rediscover the balance within myself.

sometimes we...or in this case..."i" need to step away from life to realize, remember, and rediscover why i love the life i have and not take it for granted. sometimes, it is also good to step away from business of the day-to-day....minute-to-minute....and realize what is it that i miss? who is it that i miss? what aspects are of my life do i carry with me no matter where i am? ....and also, when faced with silence staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling in an unfamiliar town on an unfamiliar lumpy bed....when there is no running away....no barriers....no self-judgments....no unreasonably high self-expectations....and just give myself the space to admit to certain fallacies, inconsistencies, and be comfortable with them.....in myself.

it was so different to be in new york this time. i don't mean the being here for work, being sick, or getting physically hurt either. living in san francisco, a part of san francisco that i never dreamed i would have ever been able to afford to live in....and having this life that i have now.....made me experience new york very differently this time. the last few times i visited new york, it beckoned quite seductively.....and i felt myself almost inexplicably drawn to it....as if the prospect of losing myself into the city....a city where i could be surrounded by people...and ride this intense wave of energy but still be a curmudgeonly hermit at the same time....was very very attractive. i'm not saying that i won't find myself living in new york in the future....i'm saying that if i do so, it will be under decidedly less dramatic and self-romanticized notions.

as i was going through some of my pics, killing time in this lounge, i came across these pics of me taking a break on the rooftop of the sfmoma with my bluebottle coffee....




they made me smile and think here is just one reason why i love the life that i have now....despite some of its current challenges, uncertainties, and potential heartbreaks.

i suppose i did find what i wanted to find from this trip to new york. i found or rediscovered an acceptance of myself....prepared once again....for what the future may bring.

well, it is time for me to shut down the computer and make my way to the gate.

until later dear hearts,

xxoooo

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