Wednesday, December 15, 2010

another logic problem

after a slew of morning phone meetings beginning at 7am, i find myself at one of my usual haunts (see top pic) a bit earlier than normal. i'm still without internet access in my place and hopefully that will be remedied this evening. as a full blown nerd whose livelihood is dependent on internet access, my not having reliable 24/7 online access is not a small thing. due to the job, there are times when i need to be online by 6am or during the wee midnight-ish hours so it has been a fascinating challenge to address since i am no longer in a hotel (which provides 24/7 access) but rather my new place (which won't be set up until tonight).

i've pretty much been taking the past few weeks just a day at a time. for example, like working from loved ones' places while they are at work and in certain cases, like yesterday, am able to have some therapeutic company like the cuddle monster...


while i plow through emails, research, and addressing work drama.

i believe that DH has referred to some of my recent email communications as torpedoes....not in a bad way....more of a emotionally distant factual yet on target kind of way. i'm not the type that communicates things like "you fucker you are so wrong"....but rather clearly communicates without any subjective qualitative comments regarding someone's parentage or competence. i prefer to lay out gathered fact-based evidence that points to some pretty obvious conclusions about said fucker's parentage or lack of competence. to be clear though, i only do this when absolutely necessary....as sometimes...mistakes are just honest mistakes....but if they veer into another category (i.e., like pure lying)....then that is when the robotic emotionally distant factual precise foodie hunter comes out.

yet, i don't like to do it.

it is one of those cases that just because i, the foodie hunter, is good at doing something...doesn't mean i actually like or want to do it. how is being brutally efficient when dealing with others' incompetence in work situations or recently....in the personal realm....lawyers, law enforcement, brokers, etc etc...any fun? i mean really? how is that any fun? the only way for me to cope and be so brutally efficient is to be emotionally distant from it at that time.

but i pay for it later.

always.

usually by myself and when it is safe to do so.

or sometimes in this blog behind a thin veil of semi-anonymity.

i may be many things but i'm not stupid.

temporarily staving off emotions in order to effectively deal with certain situations is a coping and survival mechanism. it does not mean those emotions go away or will stay in some illusional impenetrable mental box.

i may be emotionally retarded but not that retarded.

sometimes i get the impression that certain folks see people like me....you know the extremely analytical independent right-brain-driven and seemingly emotionless.... and believe that we...or i....feel nothing....because we...or i....can handle it. being able to "handle it" and "not feeling anything" are very different things.

in my case, despite coming off as a robotic analytical unfeeling asshole....i know that i act the way that i do because i do feel things extremely strongly.

how's that for a logic problem and paradox?

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