Sunday, January 31, 2010

the road to hell


the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

things just got royally fucked up. i had the best of intentions, but it all got fucked up.

i'm sorry.

UPDATE:

things aren't really black and white. there are so many layers of gray and people doing and saying things....without revealing their true intentions. at the end of the day, i went balls out and was honest about how i felt. because really, if i was going to go down, it may as well been an epic blaze of glory going down in stead of a squeaky tweety going down.

it hurts like an absolute mutherfuker..... even worse than i could have ever imagined.

yet, i know that with time, i'll be ok.

i doubt that this will be the last time i write on this subject.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

voiced wants

it is almost 3am where i am....and this posting is definitely not about food.

i said what i wanted. my delivery was not suave or articulate or graceful. it was hard and terrifying to be so honest.

i'm glad that i did it.

i have no idea what the future will bring....yet, i'll love you for always....no matter what happens or does not happen. this is not rational. this is something that just "is" and that i know.....without any doubt or hesitation.





Wednesday, January 27, 2010

i, robot

i made it home late last night. my flight was delayed (big shock) but i was very glad to make it home safely. i'm pretty tired at the moment but i wanted to have a chance to share with you some of my thoughts about the last day or so before i get some sleep.

after my presentation, i did a lot of processing while i was in the vegas airport.

earlier in the day, i had bought a pecan tart from bouchon bakery as my "treat" for finishing my presentation......


and dug into it once i was at the airport....


while i was digging into my tart, i did a mental post-mortem of the day. the presentation went well. i was slightly worried as the audience of a hundred or so got all worked up and rowdy during the presentation before mine. one of the guys in the audience turned to me and said "i bet that you love the fact that you are up next."

fun times. fun times.

i did my presentation and then, like the majority of my sessions, i ensured that there was time for discussion. this is when i leave the podium and typically walk among the audience and attendees while i answer questions. i find that this encourages discussion and also sets a more personal tone for the discussion portion of my sessions....even when there are so many people in the room. despite my dislike of being the center of attention, i understand what my responsibility is for these sort of presentations and sessions. i want to remove that formal barrier and ensure that as many people feel connected and heard as much as possible. i also realize that my role is not just to provide information and analysis that they can use....but i'm also a rep from corporate headquarters...and they need to feel like their thoughts are truly heard.

when DH asked me this morning how it went yesterday, i said that it went well....but that...like usual....how a lot of people come up to me after i present and seem to think i am a lot more more approachable than i really am. DH just laughed and said "ahhhh ms [enter foodie hunter's real last name], what am i going to do with you?"

my response was "i know what my responsibility is. no one felt slighted. i was on my best behavior. but i do find it odd that people seem to think i am very approachable after i do a presentation. it is this odd phenomena. the president of the north american region actually gave me a hug. A HUG."

even though our discussion was on the phone, i could tell that DH almost bust a gut laughing.

just to be clear, i don't see the hug as inappropriate or anything like that. it was just a surprise. i am not usually seen as a "hugable" person to folks that aren't among the foodie hunter friends and family list.

well, it is odd...to be approached by people who i have no idea who they are....well, of course, i knew who the president of the US region was...but there were a lot people that approached me after my presentation....like even when i went to the bathroom for gawd's sake....and there is this assumption of familiarity on their side. sometimes they just want to chit-chat....or just introduce themselves. this is not gender specific btw. sometimes they feel comfortable enough to share the oddest things, like their thoughts on some of the corporate executive staff. there is one member of the exec staff that i have a tremendous amount of respect for and heard comments about how they think he is a "robot" or something similar.

not like this alpha exec needs any defending by the likes of the foodie hunter, but i did think that was quite unfair....and felt the need to point out how he is responsible for some of the most innovative initiatives coming out of the company....and how i have always found him to be very personable and supportive of my work....and how i have seen and heard that he genuinely cares about, listens, and takes time to discuss things with folks internally and even with everyday users of our products. he doesn't have to do that (particularly given what his role is), but he does.

i suppose when it comes down to it, i get annoyed when people think that super driven analytical types have no emotions.

because, let me tell you, we definitely have emotions.

just because certain folks don't see them on the surface doesn't mean that they aren't there.

just a bit of food for thought.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

thank you bouchon bakery...


kay. i've practiced and rehearsed my presentation so much that my voice is already sounding kinda raspy. i think it is time to rest it a bit....and share with you my lovely and gluttonous experience with a few treats from bouchon bakery.




finding bouchon bakery was like my light at the end of the tunnel. i don't gamble, i don't smoke, i have an alcohol tolerance of a gnat, and there was no way i was going to have time to have a proper sit down at any of the infamous restaurants (like bouchon) while i am in vegas. so i was absolutely thrilled when i realized that there was a bouchon bakery outpost here so i could grab some things to munch on while working on my presentation. i was so deep in my own little happy world that i didn't even notice a co-worker when he kept saying my name and standing next to me.


i think i was internally humming to myself.


thankfully, i had already taken the pictures of bouchon at that point. no one i work with knows about the blog and i definitely hope to keep it that way.

after having a chat with my co-worker, i scurried back to my room to dive into the treats....





this above pic is their cheese danish...puff pastry....and was oh, so lovely and so yummmmy. sometimes i think we are meant to find things and i think i was meant to eat these things before my presentation as it put me in such an amazing mood.

the little brown chocolate cake was something i bought on a whim...i didn't know what it was....and wow....can i just say wow. this was exquisite.


this is what it looks like on the inside.


hmmmmm. i think i'm ready to "take on" the day now. thank you bouchon, for making this vegas experience so much easier to bear. well, gotta go!

hugs to all,

me

Monday, January 25, 2010

vegas

i am in vegas.

i am not the right demographic for vegas.

the artifice is....well...interesting....in a very odd sort of way....but not for me. for example, here is a recreation of an "italy" scene.

i didn't modify any of the light in this pic. i am standing inside of the casino as i take the pic....so everything is inside. hmmmm. you see what i mean?

anyway, after checking into my hotel and going through some extremely frustrating experiences of trying to get the internet access to work, i decided to walk away from the laptop to get something to eat. naturally, i'm in a room that is bigger than my entire apartment.

the room service is pretty outrageous....which i have a feeling is done on purpose because they want you to walk the floor of the casino....to increase the chances of you gambling or buying the very shiny sparkly things.

i don't gamble....well, not that sort of gambling anyway. so i walked by all of the tables and tried to ignore the multitude of cocktail waitresses wearing dresses where i could see their edge of their firm buttocks peaking out from their hemlines. i hope they get tipped well. i went to the noodle joint which seemed to be the least fancy in the entire hotel casino....which was just fine by me....and grabbed a snack.....


then, admittedly, i paid over 8 bucks for a caramel apple.


yeah, it was an emotional buy. i admit it. i wanted a treat....and no, i don't charge this kind of stuff back to my company. yet something worked out as now i'm back in my room and the internet access works! i'll be practicing my presentation for a couple of hours....then i'll sleep....then i'll get up early to practice some more.

then when i am done, i'll head back home.....and ponder a bit more about what is truly important in this life....about facing fears....about having faith in myself....and finding the voice to ask for what i want. but for now, i should devote my attention back to my presentation.

much love to you all dear hearts....

until later,

me

Sunday, January 24, 2010

faith in me

despite being quite left-brain driven and analytical, i know that there are things that i will never truly understand from a logical perspective....and you know what? that is ok. i have discovered that i have to have faith in myself and faith in a certain path that i see before me....despite not knowing what the outcome will be.

this path i see before me started a couple of years ago actually...in this quest to be more "open" to life, to see more of the world with open eyes, to be open to accepting who i am, and to allow to the world to see me. the real me.

sometimes, the foodie hunter thinks that she successfully ignores certain things that the universe seems to put into her path....you know....like random signs right before i went to london


and while i was in london...


then she realizes that she really didn't ignore them after all. there must have been something going on in my subconscious even before i went to london as i didn't consciously take these pictures thinking that they would be along a similar vein. i suppose it is not just my food pics that can be quite revealing. obviously, i've been processing about quite a few things recently, and this comes through....even within the pictures that i take as i walk city streets......in separate cities....thousands of miles away from each other.

i have always been drawn to words.... drawn to the meanings communicated upon a tabula rasa. so it really isn't a surprise that i would take pictures of signs. yet, it is interesting that of all of the signs in the bay area to take a picture of before i go to london.....and of all the signs in london....these are the picture of signs that i took. at the time, i didn't see the connection. i just remember thinking that they would be interesting shots.

then, while walking home from working on my presentation at one of the local cafes, i started thinking about faith and then humming this song.....



which i haven't heard in years. yet, it is quite appropriate isn't it? how sometimes there are things that aren't rational, logical, but just "are".

as i write this posting, i am reminded how moments of clarity are actually a summation of many seemingly random moments that really aren't random....and how there is a lot of churning and processing that goes on without consciously realizing it. it also made me think about how faith is not something that is quantifiable or measurable.....yet, is very real and has a very tangible impact upon me. perhaps this is why i am finally able to accept that i actually have wants that i cannot directly provide for myself (still cringing slightly at the thought though) and that it is time to say what i want.....to ask for what i want....because i have faith that no matter what happens, i'll be ok.

yeah, i know, it will still hurt like a mother fucker.

but i'll be ok.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

cryptic wants

hmmmm. a good portion of today as been creating a presentation for a meeting that i'm going to be having in vegas next week. it is rather mind boggling that the super duper organized foodie hunter doesn't already have it done and wrapped up with a bow by now....but alas, this is what the job is like these days. i found out about the presentation while i was in london and it wasn't like i could put off other deliverables in order to work on the presentation. i'm hoping to finish the presentation sometime tonight and then practice, practice, practice....and practice some more before i actually have to present it to a hundred or so people.

fun times. fun times.

yet, i have left the house today. i've actually worked in a couple of cafes today in an effort to be out and about. the first cafe was one i haven't been to in a few months and the guy behind the counter was like "long time no see!". i was a bit surprised. we've never exchanged a conversation before. so much for thinking i am anonymous. i worked there for a bit, headed home for a bit, then headed back out to guerilla cafe to do some more work and grab a warm beverage. since i've moved back to berkeley i've consistently gone to guerilla. i have no idea if the staff know who i am. i think i prefer to live in my little cloud of supposed anonymity until someone there tells me otherwise. while i was working on my presentation at guerilla, i was also thinking about asking for what i want.

for some people, asking for what they want is an incredibly easy endeavor. this is not true for the foodie hunter....or rather, this is not true for me. this is probably something i should speak about in first person, no? and take responsibility for the fear i have behind asking for what i want. i don't mean piddly little shit that has no emotional risk...i mean, i'm talking about asking for what i want re: "big stuff". if you don't know what i'm talking about when i mean "big stuff"....then too bad....i'm not going to explain it further.

the idea of asking for what i want....came to a head while i was in london. there i was in london...pretty fuckin sick, tired (even before i arrived), jet lagged, workin' like mad, frustrated, and my every other thought seemed to be punctuated with "WTF!". it was not an easy mental space to be living in. it was then that i confronted a few things about myself. nothin like being out of the country to bring on some major introspection in the middle of chaos.

one of the things.....admitting my need to prove something to myself over the past couple of years...was something i have already discussed and written about. yet another thing, that i haven't really discussed...was confronting and being honest with what i want....and why asking for what i want is so difficult.

first of all, asking for what i want means admitting that it actually matters to me and that i may, god forbid, want/desire/need something that is not something i can directly provide for myself. this is not a comfortable state for the super-duper-prideful-stubborn-independent-doesn't-need-to-be-taken-care-of-foodie-hunter (aka me).

second, it means putting aside my pride. yes, i've already referred to pride earlier, but i think this needs to be in its own category because, i have quite an excess amount of it. how's that for honesty?

third, it means assuming that the other person cares enough to actually listen to what i want. it means that i am assuming that the other person believes that i have value and may give me what i am not able to provide for myself. (i am actually cringing as i type these words.)

fourth, it means accepting the possibility of supreme hurt, disappointment, and self blame.....the self blame being..."see you shouldn't ask for things that you can't have."

yet, while i was in london and flying back on the 10+ hour trip, i kept thinking about what i want, admitting what i want, taking responsibility for what i want, and having the balls (figuratively speaking of course, i like being female) to ask for what i want....even if i don't get what i want. i decided that it is time to stop being such a chicken shit and ask for what i want and deal with the consequences.

yes, i am being cryptic.

i'm not going to say when i am going to do this. but i will. as a result, sometime in the future, after i ask for what i want....you may not be hearing from me on the blog for a while.... because i may need to become a hermit to deal with the consequences and aftermath of asking for what i want....because i have this feeling that this is probably going to be pretty incredibly painful. yet, knowing all of these things.....this is something that i need to do.

it is time.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

hot soup on a stormy day

i am back at home. thankfully, my flight home wasn't re-routed because of the storms hitting the bay area right now. the storms have been causing a bit of havoc within california. the ride was bumpier than usual, but i am glad that i made it safe and sound. i was talking to DH today and he asked me how the trip home went. i told him that my new benchmark for a successful trip means getting where i want to go safely. this is very true.

after my meeting with DH today, i decided to step out into the rain and grab some steaming hot soup from a local japanese place (that happens to be purely vegetarian and i think vegan as well). i don't think of it as a "vegan" place or "vegetarian" place. i just think of it as a place that does good food. one of the dishes that i particularly enjoy is a mushroom melody soup that i order with soba noodles.

this is pretty much my favorite dish that i've had here thus far and it was perfect for a stormy day. i love the heartiness of the broth and the noodles.


i've also been known for adding a bit of the chili mixture to this soup as well....

because, why not? but the soup tastes quite lovely without it.

i know i've said this before.....and i doubt that this will be the last time i say this....but i do adore soup....particularly noodle soup. it is one of the ultimate comfort dishes for me. it is care within a bowl. i find that it is sustenance for all aspects of me.

it also made me realize once more just how fortunate i am to live where i live...you know....being able to have extremely easy access to food like this....as well as having enough income to be able to afford to purchase food like this for myself. it is a position of privilege. yes, i work extremely hard to inhabit where i am in my life today....yet having ready access to this sort of food is a privilege that many do not have. there are many people that work extremely hard but still are not able to afford or have access to quality foods. this is something i think about quite a bit actually....about how where i live and my current income level allows me to have access to some pretty amazing food.....and how unfortunately, access and being able to purchase quality food is a "privilege" rather than a basic human right. it makes me sad. because shouldn't it be a basic right? shouldn't we be entitled to have the expectation of access to quality food?

just a few things i've been thinking about. can you tell i've been reading pollan?

i doubt that these are the last words from me on this subject. just a fyi.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

random moments during the last day in london


location: london
time: 8:21am

i am at the star alliance lounge at heathrow at the moment. i don't mind hanging out in the lounge before my flight. it is nice to be able to have a cup of tea and some nibbles in substantially less chaotic surroundings. i prefer the lounge here than the one at SFO. while there are substantially less available outlets at this lounge, the food is a heck of a lot better and so are the general facilities.

before i launch into some work this morning, i just wanted to have a chance to share some random moments yesterday. after having slept in a bit, i made my way over to the Tate Britain....


and spent some time just wandering around the rooms. then i made my way over to green park to run a couple of errands ....



and then took a break in the green park caffe nero to have....what else?....a hot chocolate milano...

while trying to figure out my route for the rest of the day. i had pretty much decided that next up on the agenda was going to be grabbing some food in tooting and then heading to the british library.

the journey to tooting isn't exactly a fast one and i wanted to do it all before the commute really went underway.


i do like going to the non-touristy parts of london....to give me a chance to see what people of the city are like....and not just the posh bits. at first, i had planned to go to one of the dosa places or apollo banana leaf....but then i changed my mind at the last minute as i thought i should try something at random....just to see.

so i did.

they had some rather interesting things on display.







i think the tube is a mutton roll (i had something similar while at apollo banana leaf the last time i visited tooting) i was very intrigued by the fish....


i almost got that, but then decided that i wanted to try another version of a string hopper fry....


as well as this thing that this place called a "deviled"....in this case...it was the "deviled mutton"....

i did like both dishes quite a bit....but must admit that i prefer to the string hopper fry i had at apollo banana leaf. maybe i'll go back to apollo banana leaf the next time i am in london. i wish i had more time during this trip to myself. ideally, i would like to spend a few days just eating around tooting. after grabbing the bite, i hopped back on the tube to head toward the british library.


now THIS is a library. one of these days, i'd like to see this library during the day as well as figure out how to get a reader card so i could have access to the reading rooms. i noticed that for the first time during my entire time in london, i felt at peace while walking around the library. libraries seem to have that affect on me....or certain independent bookstores. there is something very comforting about being surrounded by mounds and mounds of knowledge that i find very soothing. in my dreams, i imagine a 3-level home....the first level would be primarily the kitchen and common area....no walls....just one large open space....where i could cook, take pics, and have loved ones over for long leisurely dinner parties and meals. then the second level would be the library....yup...that's it...just the library...again...open, with lots of natural light.... then the third level would be my bedroom. as i write this, i realize it speaks volumes about my rather anti-social behavior and how i view my life.

well, i'm going to see if i can make some progress on some work stuff i have to do including a presentation that i'll be flying to vegas for next week. you may not hear much from me for a few days as i try to get ready for this upcoming presentation. yet, rest assured, i'll be thinking of you all dear hearts....

xxooo,

me

Monday, January 18, 2010

choosing change

location: london
time: after midnight

hmmm. i didn't leave the hotel until after 5pm today. i was extremely hungry at this point. there isn't a fridge in this hotel so i didn't have my typical stash of salads and such from the M&S food hall. lucky for me, there was this small indian place pretty close to my hotel. the staff were super friendly and i ordered the laal maas. the description was "fairly hot, diced lamb cooked Rajashthani style with chopped onion, tomatoes, and red chilies". i also ordered a side of sag paneer, a paratha, and a much needed beer. i sipped on a cobra beer

while looking out (see top pic) and waited for my order to arrive. i think the reason for it being so empty was because i was eating pretty early. this seems like a neighborhood kind of spot as my hotel is in a quiet section of town, tucked away from the hustle and bustle. folks here don't seem to start to go out until about 8ish. it makes sense why the brits like to bail work at 5pm on the dot. it seems like stores close, like at 7:30-8pm, so that gives you a small window of time to get life errands done. although the local sainsbury by me is open until 11pm. thank goodness. especially when i've needed to go on sparkling water runs. i'm not certain what time tesco's (i think there are a few 24-hour ones in manchester) or waitrose closes in london.

maybe i've become so acclimated to having a flexible schedule that i've forgotten what it is like to work on a set schedule. although, this schedule i am on while in london is by no means a typical "set" british schedule...that is for certain.

i was very glad when the food arrived and everything was very yummy.


the paratha in particular was something that i really enjoyed. i love ghee and you could definitely taste the ghee in between the velvety layers of the paratha. i love how there are so many nuances to indian food here. unfortunately, this was my first taste of indian food since i've been in london. this is an incredible tragedy which must be fixed. it looks like tomorrow i may have some time to myself. gasp. you mean, i may actually have the day off that i was scheduled to have? what a concept! i think tomorrow is going to be all about the foodie hunter eating indian food.....or perhaps, more specifically, south indian and sri lankan food. i also think tomorrow may also be about books.

yup. books and indian food. no blackberry. no drama. just indian food, books, and london. it sounds like a potentially great day.

despite the crazy ass work schedule i've been under since i arrived and this lingering cold-flu-WTF-sickness thing that i have, i really do love london. it seems that discussions are tentatively arising about opening up a london office again. i told DH that if a london office opens, then i would move to london. i stressed that i would not be inclined to ever move to the US regional office or the corporate office in manchester....but would be willing to move to london. DH seemed very agreeable and said that he'd be ok for coming down to london for a week every once in a while for meetings and such. this is not a surprise. he gets me on this side of the pond without having me hooking up with a briton/european.

now my dear hearts that are based in the bay area who may have done a collective gasp as soon as you read the words above, i think you all knew that this was kind of peculating for a while. also, this does not mean that i will 100% be moving...it just means that if the circumstances are all right and aligned (i.e., depending on how my role changes this year and if they actually open the london office...which is a big "IF"), then yes, i will move. so, at this time, it is like a 20% chance that i will be moving this year.

now that i have finally found my balance, i find myself restless for a change.

i know sounds a bit odd coming from me....who has experienced so much massive amounts of change over the last couple of years. but this change would be different. this would be something that i choose...because i want it. not a change that was forced upon me...or a change because i felt like there was so much life i needed to catch up on....or change because i felt like i needed to prove something. i needed to prove that my life would be so much better than it was before..... i needed to prove that despite some incredible heart break, i would not be broken but in fact come out of it all in better circumstances and with a better life.

well, i don't need to prove anything to myself anymore.

admittedly, quite a bit of my motivation towards a better life was driven by pure pride and stubborness. these are strengths (when leveraged correctly) but can also extremely large weaknesses of mine. huge actually.

so i suppose what i am trying to say is that there is going to be some change in my future....it may or may not involve a move to london....but there is going to be some change. i'm certain that you all will have a birds-eye view of it.

until later dear hearts...i'm sending you love and am carrying you all with me.

xxxoooo

Sunday, January 17, 2010

late night workin and munchin


hmmmmm.

it is 4:11am on monday morning in london as i type this.

i've been working on some stuff and am now, trying to wind down for the evening....or perhaps....it would be more accurate to say that i am trying to wind down for the morning. yet, i am hopped up on caffeine of course. technically, i was suppose to take monday and tuesday off to frolick around london before i go home on wednesday. unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, i see frolicking time dwindling before my very eyes. honestly though...a part of me didn't really believe that i was going to have the free time.

i did manage to leave the hotel for a bit today. i dropped by EAT to try some duck gyoza soup that was different....





but not in a bad way.

after, i slurped up my soup, i managed to score a table at nero. so i had a hot chocolate milano and worked for a while.


at least i felt like i left the hotel for a bit and tried to not eavesdrop too heavily on the couple sitting next to me. from their awkward-getting-to-know-you-conversation i was able to ascertain that they were on a first date. as i was working on processing some of the pictures and video i took for work, i didn't have to be "as focused" as i typically am....for example, when i am writing or creating a presentation....i get into the zone and no matter where i am, it is very difficult for sound, images, or people to penetrate my "bubble". yet, when i am processing pictures, there is no bubble. this is why processing photos is good work to do in a cafe.....and i didn't feel like listening to my ipod.....so, i ended up halfway listening to their conversation instead. i couldn't help but empathize with them. first dates can really suck. yet, i think theirs was going relatively well actually. i could tell that they each liked each other and both were really trying to make an effort. it was pretty equitable in terms of effort. it was rather endearing actually. i hope that they could see that they both like each other and go out on another date. for some people, that statement may sound odd..... but.......you see.....when it comes to the initial stages of romantic situations....it seems that some folks have difficulty figuring out what is going on when they are actually "in" the situation than someone "outside" of it. if i had to guess, i would guess that i would be one of those people as well.

the last few people i've been with because they clearly stated that they wanted to be together. actually....now that i think about it.....for two of them.... i didn't think felt that way about me until they actually said something along the lines of "i-like-you-and-i-want-us-to-be-together". i'm shaking my head as i write this. i can imagine how difficult that must have been for them. sometimes i think it is amazing that i haven't been single my entire life. these days i get to hear all of the "single" stories that people never told me when i was married. actually, most of the people that tell me these stories are people that have no idea that i used to be married. it is rather mind-boggling some of the miscommunication and expectations that happen. for example, i can think of three stories off the top of my head where one person told the other that they weren't interested in dating them....yet, they are now in relationships.

huh?

this is a bit mind boggling for the foodie hunter.

i mean, if someone says that they aren't interested in me and don't want to date me, why would i stick around or argue with them about this? yet, for some reason, it is like some people expect you to argue with them about it......or convince them otherwise.

hmmmm. after i was done processing the pics, i packed up and decided to drop into paul patisserie to grab some more pastries togo for the hotel. i ended up getting the flan normand....


which i already knew that i liked. then i nibbled on the lovely custardy fruity tart while working on a project for the next few hours.

and here i am....now...wired on sugar and caffeine. my mind going in a zillion different directions.

you know....now that i think about it.....B kind of did that with me. you know, the argument thing. for more in-depth detail....feel free to visit this posting. yet, essentially, he prepared for potentially arguing with me about us being together. when he asked that we be together, i was like "huh? you want to have an affair?" and he was like "NO!" then read from his note pad all of the reasons why he thought he and i should be together. then listed the arguments that he thought i would say against us being together. then listed his counter-arguments.

i remember looking at him, not knowing quite what to make of the situation, because i hadn't thought about us dating or being together until he said something that evening. yet, he was all prepared to argue about why we should be together. B always had a lot more experience in the romantic arena that i ever did.....and was a lot more aware of emotional nuances that make absolutely no logical sense.

it was a moment when i knew i was at a pretty vital cross road. i could feel it. it wasn't his "arguments" that convinced me to be with him. surprised? it was the fact that B, who is incredibly impulsive and a seemingly-single-flowing-and-running-emotion had obviously given it a lot of analytical thought. i also cared about him quite a bit as a person and thought, i shouldn't be a coward and should see what would happen. i've actually forgotten all of the arguments he mentioned except for the last one:
"i just want to have a chance to walk next to you and hold your hand." it was the one he said directly to me, from the heart, without reading from his note pad.

funny huh? that is the one that i remember.

when i look back on this, i think B was pretty brave actually....that must have been really hard to do.

i've only stated my feelings for someone once and well, that was a rather heart breaking experience. but then again, i knew going into the situation that by stating how i felt, i was going to get my heart broken. severely. and i did it anyway. i am not going to lie. i'm glad that i stated how i felt. i have no regrets. surprised? were you expecting something different? it was a relief to not have to hide them and repress them (even from myself...you know...once i figured out what the feelings were) and confront them head on. it was a relief to be honest and direct. by admitting them and confronting them, i've been able to just live more harmoniously with them (well after a few months of utter confusion and chaos). they are what they are....and i've accepted that they are a part of who i am.

alright, it is like almost 5:30am now. i think it is time to shut down the lights and see about getting some sleep. but i'll end this extremely random and all over the place posting with a video...a bit of food for thought....