Monday, January 17, 2011

cowardice


technically, today was a "holiday" from work. yet, i was working most of the morning and then saw the family for a bit later in the afternoon. right now.... i'm sipping on some philz coffee, feeling the caffeine hit, looking out of my window and seeing a few home lights peering through the haze of the late night fog. i am not going to bed for a while. my next meeting is at 1am. i figure i'll wind down after my meeting...which will probably end around 2ish or so....sleep for a few hours and then get up for the next round/work day.

as per usual, the later it gets, the more contemplative i get.

while i know that i am wired from the caffeine (AB likes to joke that they must put crack in their coffee), i am also wired from everything that has been going on and just keeps coming....and coming....and despite deception, manipulation, and lies....



i refuse to "learn" such behavior.

i refuse to repeat it.

i refuse to take it out on others.

i refuse.

i believe that we become who we truly are when times are difficult.

we reveal to ourselves and others....who we truly are.

i may be a robotic overly analytical asshole. yet, i have a code of ethics. at the core of these ethics is the theme of "do not deliberately hurt other people". can i be indifferent about people? yes. frankly, if i don't love you than i am often indifferent toward you. do i deliberately try to hurt other people just because i can? no. am i aware that i have the intellectual capacity to hurt people and hurt them badly? yes.

why don't i do this? you know, deliberately try to hurt people...even though i know i have the capacity to do so and likely get away with it.

because it is wrong.

because i do not see the benefit in doing so.

because i do not get a rush of power or satisfaction from seeing someone else damaged or hurt.

because i do not need to hurt other people to feel better about myself.

yet, i see others....other people....who do not share my quirky code of ethics and perspective. i see their maneuvering and am decidedly unimpressed.

to me, this shows a decided lack of self confidence.

to me, this shows cowardice.

to me, this means when you are outed as the insecure coward that you are and completely decimated, it will be what you deserved.

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