Sunday, January 9, 2011

saying goodbye to yesterday


i may or may not post this. i suppose it depends on how i feel by the time i am finished.

that's right folks, the uber analytical left-brain driven foodie hunter started a posting talking about her "feelings" isn't enough that there are mass deaths of fish and birds happening throughout the world right now that can inspire thoughts about an impending apocalypse, the foodie hunter is also talking about her feelings.

i'm a rather horrible packer. i often say this to myself when i unpack and sense no rhyme or reason to some of the boxes i go through. as result, i get a few "surprises" during the unpacking process. as i was going through some old papers, there was this folded up piece of memo paper that was stashed among some old financial papers i was shredding. i unfolded it to see if it would go into the "shred" pile or the "recycle" pile.

this is what i saw when i opened it

nope, this is not from the ex-husband. this is from someone else, a very very very long time ago. it wasn't the brit that ran off to become a rock star and was included in the guardian as a pick for "sexiest" people in the bay area either. i'm still snickering about that one. it is amazing how fame will make people seem sexy when they really aren't. i dated and loved that one when he was a total nerd. charming yes. sexy no.

well, this note was from someone entirely different and a very long time ago. i mean, who even borrows CDs anymore? i don't even remember what CDs he was talking about. i doubt they were very important to me.

i'm not really getting to the point am i? or taking a very long time to get there.

this note was a surprise as i thought i had thrown away all of his notes and cards. there was this one card i received where he offered up one of his cars for my use. i remember rolling my eyes about that one and thinking that he never really knew me if he thought for one moment thought i would be ok with something like that. i've been a rather independent spirit since i was born. perhaps overly independent at times. i think that card came after this note and was immediately put in the trash. i responded to none of his notes. the notes and cards were just excuses to get in touch. before you get all "she's-such-a-bitch" on me, i think i should provide some context and why thinking about this note and "that guy" from my past made me reach for the tea that i usually only break out for special occasions.

yeah, i liked him a lot. too much actually. i fully realized that he had the capability for deception and manipulation. this, in itself, isn't bad. some of the people i love the most have the intellectual capability to be incredibly manipulative and evil. yet, they CHOOSE not to. it is called moral fiber. moral fiber is a non-negotiable for you to be on the list of people that the foodie hunter loves. they don't use their smarts for evil...even though they could...and get away with it. this just one of the reasons why i love them so much.

yet, this guy though....the guy that wrote the note....the moral fiber was a bit questionable....which is why the wall around my lump of coal was never scaled and i could never "go there" emotionally with him. my self preservation instinct was in full on "alert" mode....but i still proceeded to enter something with him anyway. as a result, i had some good times and got scalded but not too badly. after we ended, he wanted to keep in contact.

why do they always want to keep in contact?


i agreed and tried until i realized that "keep in contact" was a code that translated to "keep you on a string".

ahhhh. this is why they want to keep in contact.

see what i mean about lack of moral fiber? because that isn't cool folks...not at all. to use someone's play with....people are not toys. i may be an asshole but i don't deliberately hurt people or play with them.

because it is wrong.

my boss tells me that i can be quite "black and white" on occasion and i must admit...that on this issue, i'm pretty black and white.

once i figured out that he wanted me on string, i told him that we couldn't talk anymore. this is something else about me. if i say i never want to talk to you again, i really mean it....because if i am at that point where i state that quite clearly, it means that i've thought about all of the pros and cons before telling you that i never want to talk to you again. it means i've decided that it isn't worth it. how's that for blunt? yet, the notes and cards kept coming for a long time afterward.

the reason why thinking about this note and that guy had me reaching for the special tea, was because i was getting a thorough ass kicking from my pride for being such a stupid ass....for even trying to stay in contact with him for as long as i did....for not seeing sooner that he was playing me. sometimes i am smart and other times i can be incredibly stupid. sometimes it doesn't matter how long ago something happens, if i've done something stupid, i can and do beat myself up over it.

as i was drinking my tea, i figured that perhaps i needed to say goodbye to it ...and who i was at that time....admit that despite getting away with my heart intact....that yes....i cared for someone i shouldn't have, address how i am feeling about it, be honest and truthful about it, write about it.....and perhaps that will provide some closure.

and then shred that fucking note.

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