Monday, January 3, 2011

seething anger

i'm really not certain what the universe is communicating to me right now. today was the last day of official "holiday" from work and i went to the post office to pick up the mail i had scheduled to put on hold. when i was staying with the deliciously wicked godfather and a hotel, i went online to request the hold be completed on my mail because 1) i had no idea where i was going to end up 2) when it is an "inside job" in your building, those folks have keys to everything...including your mailbox... and since fraud had been committed, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

yet, when i went to the post office and stood in line for a pretty lengthy amount of time...reading rulman's reach of a standing in line wasn't too bad....i went up to the counter to find out that "didn't take" and that they had no mail....well, that made me pretty angry. why should i think about calling/confirming when i received a confirmation number from the post office re: the hold when i put the original order in? jez. i went back home and did some that didn't require me to communicate with anyone....and i was too angry to cook.

shocking isn't it? usually, i get my anger out through cooking....but i think the culmination of events the last few weeks has made me extremely angry and frustrated. i was even getting frustrated about not wanting to cook! that is when i knew that i needed to get out of my apartment. i had difficulty picking out something to eat. some of the usual sanctuaries weren't going to work for reasons i may or may not go into at another time. yet, regardless, i decided to visit a "new to me" hole-in-the-wall-place to get some total junk food to go.

the food was pretty much as i expected it would be. despite my neighborhood, there aren't a lot of good food options within a 2-3 block radius. as i was picking up the food (which i made sure i tipped well need to take my anger out on other folks), took it back to my place, and kinda ate aimlessly.... i was trying to figure out why i was so seethingly angry.

and frustrated.

i mean, yeah, the post office fucked up... but it can't have been a huge amount of mail. most of my stuff is electronic and i did individual change of addresses changes a couple of weeks ago when i moved into my new place.

so what was this really about?

i'm still very angry about people that don't take responsibility for themselves and how it impacts me (the loser fuck-up that burglarized my apartment using the building manger's keys...which she provided to him) .....the fact that there have been multiple instances of bureaucratic incompetence that i've had to deal with as a result of the move or because this guy committing fraud and burglarizing my apartment. it is frustrating when i think i'm doing something right...or according to the "rules" and then there are bureaucratic fuck ups or there are just fuck ups that don't want to get off their ass to work at getting an education or a job.

the key word here is "work".

those that don't "work" feel that they are "entitled" to not "work".

i mean, lets get real, the guy that burglarized my apartment is in his twenties and lives/lived with his mother in an apartment in pacific heights. pacific heights is not the hood. do not tell me that this loser asshole hasn't had the opportunities in life to make a change for himself.

it isn't like he had to steal to eat....or felt trapped by poverty and felt like he needed the money to get out....and was working as many angles as possible to get out of poverty.
those motivations are the type of motivations that i can empathize with. i definitely didn't decide to go down that route, but i can understand those kind of motivations. i made different choices and each choice we make have consequences. yet, i take responsibility for those choices i made and i live with them.

and don't give me any wah wah sad freudian story or the like either.

human beings as a species have an amazing capability for resilience....i've seen it, know it, and love those who inhabit it....which is probably why i have less tolerance for those who are not able to make decisions toward making change in their lives.... no matter what their background.

yes, it is hard.

however, i would counter with yes, it is possible and do-able.

just do it.

yet, with this fuck-up, totally different story....and i have zero empathy for him. he actively chose to commit the crimes....crimes that impact me and my life. he decides every day to stay being a loser. i also have a feeling that he will just stay a loser... continually enabled (both by himself and his family) to not take responsibility for his actions.

i have little tolerance for those who do not take responsibility for themselves and their actions.

perhaps this is my delayed reaction to everything. i want to move on. i want this to be over....and i want the impact upon my life to be done. i want things to get better. so when these kind of things happen....they are seemingly small or insignificant...but are actually quite emotionally loaded.

then to cap off my anger and frustration, i was walking back from the market and when the light changed which indicated it was ok for me to cross the street. i heard these two trucks pick up on the gas. there were these two trucks that decided to race down the street. they were a block away so i, quickly jerked up my bags of food, ran across the street, and ended up pulling a muscle in my leg (from the jerking not the running). i hobbled home and was definitely cursing them each step i had to take up six flights of stairs.


so now, as i type this posting, i have my leg propped up and iced.

i've really had my fill of assholes and i'm not certain what the universe is trying to tell me, but the way i'm feeling right now, my thoughts are along the lines of "fuck you universe. i've had enough of this shit."

yup, i am so angry.

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