Sunday, January 2, 2011

well after midnight

it is well after midnight.

we all know what happens when i write postings well past midnight.

i get all contemplative.

i suppose it is appropriate. the last couple of days have been ones of reflection. i've been doing more unpacking in my new apartment and processing quite a bit about the past year. i've been noshing on his homemade chili while i've been unpacking and processing.

i made it with things i had on there were many things i had to tweak along the way.....including doing unconventional things like adding some butter at the end as it needed more fat.....

but it all worked out.

i just did the best that i could with what i had on hand....kind of like 2010.

so many things happened in 2010.

probably one of the most challenging things to happen in 2010 was that i admitted to myself how much i loved someone, got my ass on a plane, told them, felt this amazing relief and high of finally being honest to them and myself, felt an unexpected hopefulness, and then subsequently found myself running around trying to find the pieces of my honest heart.

what a way to start the year.

yet, i don't regret it. i am surprised and not surprised by this. i put myself out there and got hurt pretty badly. c'est la vie.

i chose to move to san francisco rather than new york or the uk. a move to a pac heights apartment no less....and had to confront what it means to have spent my earliest years in the tenderloin and then to arrive in pacific heights.

unexpected oddness.

speaking of unexpected oddness, i also found my old engagement ring while packing for the move from berkeley to pac heights and realized that time provides perspective and healing. it is lovely to remember the good times without the taint of the not so good.

i realized that despite being such a cynical misanthropic robotic asshole, i do have moments of humanity and empathy.....and that sometimes i can write something that can get people kinda sorta worked up.

i revealed my secret identity to a group of people, made new friends, and was given the opportunity to work with them for a night. i had a great time.

i was reminded of what was really important in life.

i discovered that i shouldn't really be around movie stars but that going to ted and honey the next time i'm in brooklyn will be ok.

my apartment was burglarized and fraud was committed.....and had to unexpectedly find a new place to live....but i love my new place. i saw the worst of some people, yet, i also saw the most wonderful of others.

i suppose what i learned the most from 2010 was that it is ok to put myself out there and be open to life....see, taste, feel, think, and inhale the moment.....and not be afraid of coulda woulda shoulda.....because even if i get hurt and frustrated.... which i did......i'll actually be ok.

i'm still here and i'm still me.

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