those were some disturbing meetings this morning.
it was almost 11am when i realized that i really needed to step away from the computers, blackberries, etc etc. i almost went to the sf ferry building as i saw that hapa ramen had a chicken confit sandwich on the menu today at the thurs farmers market. but alas, i wasn't in the right mindset for a visit to the ferry building.
i decided instead to just spend some quiet time in my sanctuary....which is....naturally, my kitchen. i am very glad that despite the crazy ass stuff that has been going on these past couple of months that i took the time modify and settle into my kitchen.
i've been wanting to make something with the wild mountain spinach (i.e., orach) i picked up from heirloom organic gardens at the tuesday farmers market at the ferry building....and today, seemed like the perfect day to do so. i puttered around my kitchen looking for various ideas and such. i also had some premade pizza dough (it is the fresh stuff made in-house at my local whole foods) and liked the idea of adding some of the ground heirloom corn meal from tierra vegetables to the dough.....and then with a bit of sauce and cheese...voila....i'd have a wild mountain spinach pizza....perhaps a way to still showcase the lovely purple color. i had no idea if it would turn into another color once it was cooked but was hoping that it wouldn't.
as i worked with the dough and added the oaxacan green heirloom cornmeal from tierra vegetables farm.....
i thought about how much i truly love this. i love the feel of the ingredients....
the textures underneath my finger tips.....how i love looking at the colors.....working with the ingredients....not certain what the final outcome will be...but just letting myself be wrapped up in the moment. no pressure for anything to be perfect. just enjoying each moment.
the last time i saw a certain loved one, he mentioned that when all of this was over that i should take some time to have "fun". it has been a rather trying couple of months. i think that this conversation made me realize that perhaps, some folks, aren't aware of how much i love and enjoy moments like this. how easy it is for me to loose myself in these sort of moments. food, writing, ideas, photography...these are all of my passions....and are things that i pursue everyday....because if i didn't..... i'd feel numb and lifeless.
i am not the type of person that drifts through life.
life is too precious to waste it.
i know that i look to my job for the intellectual puzzles and stimulation....which is also a very integral part of who i am. i cannot have a job where i do not think. i'm not good at being bored. it is probably why i push myself in my work....because i know that i am responsible for ensuring that i am intellectually stimulated at work...or through work related projects and reading.
yet, i realize that there is a lot more to who i am than my analytical intellectual ability....and this is where food, writing, and photography come in. do i get "paid" for my passions? not in the traditional sense. yet, the dividends that i receive from pursuing these passions of mine are priceless.
how do you put a price on feeling alive?
how do i explain how much pleasure i get from feeling cornmeal between my fingers? how my heart hums when seeing the vibrant purple of a vegetable that i've never tried before? to look at it with curiosity and wonder.....anticipating what it may taste like...to bring together multiple tastes and textures....even in a simple pizza........adding sauce....
the wild mountain spinach.....
creating something for my mood or in this case, my comfort?
i'm not certain if i can adequately articulate this.
as i put the pizza in the oven, i lingered in my sanctuary, just thinking more about the events of the past few weeks. i thought about how i'm not ready to make nice....
and why should i be?
i'm not ready to stop being angry.
because i am.
very very very angry.
the anger i feel is not the "outburst" sort of anger as was so clearly illustrated a few postings ago. JB said that when she read that posting...she could tell that i was in my warrior mode. i'm actually snickering to myself as i type that. i'm such a tiny warrior. sigh. me tiny...hear me roar....or perhaps....squeak. i can't help it...it cracks me up. yet, i understood what she meant. anyway, the anger i am feeling right now is a very calm sort of anger.
it is a good idea to acknowledge its presence.
as my brain and heart were mulling over this....i could tell when the pizza was almost done by the smell. i'd ended up checking it on a couple of times and i'd say it was in the 425 degree oven for about 25 minutes total. next time i try this, it may be more or less next time. i may crank up the heat another 25 degrees and see what happens. this is one of the reasons why i love being a home cook. sometimes, you just have to go with the flow and be flexible to the circumstances.
doesn't it look lovely? i love the color. i also thought it tasted quite lovely as well.
as i took a couple of slices to my table to look out onto my city view,
i thought about how this whole processing moment in my kitchen sanctuary was about acknowledging that i will be angry quite a while and be ok with it. also, that no matter what happens.....what has happened and is happening right now....that these events cannot take my passions away from me....they cannot take who i am away from me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011