Tuesday, February 1, 2011

the flip side of passion

hmmm. i'm winding down for the evening. i just finished up a few things and am not exactly looking forward to my 7am presentation tomorrow.....or rather...technically in a few hours i suppose. i didn't leave my place today as i have been deep into a few work projects. as a result, one of the very simple things i made for myself today was a dish of soba noodles. warning....i usually break a few rules when i do this....but oh well...like i have mentioned before....it is one of the great things about being a home cook. i get to do whatever i want.

in this case, i brought some water, fish sauce, soy sauce, sesame oil, rice wine vinegar, and chili to a boil. then i added a bundle of dried soba. when the noodles are cooked to the consistency that i like, i then take the noodles out without any of the broth. then while the noodles are still warm, i taste them, and depending on what i feel like...i'll add various things. today, i decided to add a bit of sesame oil, soy sauce, furikake, and red pepper (ichimi togarashi).

it was simple, fast, comforting, delicious, and filling...



and while i was eating this today i thought about a couple of conversations i had with a loved one over brunch at suppenkuche yesterday....




and via phone last week. i didn't post about it because i needed to keep my head in the work game and sometimes, i will only allow distractions to take me so far while i am on break in the middle of a work day.

yet now, as i type this, it is past midnight. i don't need my head to be in work. my apartment has an otherworldly feel to it. the only light in my apartment is from the street lamps and the glow of the monitor. the street, normally a hub of activity, is quiet. it is in this otherworldly moment where i admit that there is only so much vulnerability i can handle at a time....my own that is. i'm even grimacing as i typed those words....or perhaps...a specific word.... that word being "vulnerability".

yup, grimace occurred once more.

kind of like a Pavlovian response isn't it?

i'm not good at it.

so, when this loved one pinned me down last week to talk about the various things that have been going on, i was pretty calm when i recounted the various events. some which i have blogged about and some that i have not blogged about. after he listens,
he just as calmly indicates how this is all "especially" bad for me. i must be a glutton for punishment because i just have to ask "why do you say that?"....or it may have been pride...for why should it be worse for me? it probably was pride. i have an over abundance of it. as soon as i asked that question though, i felt a sense of foreboding. then he relays that in the time he has known me (which has been over a decade btw) that he has never known anyone to work so hard at cultivating a safe personal space....and now, it is all under attack...from all sides. he then said that for some people, some of these things happening wouldn't be a big deal to them...but how he knows just how much this is a big deal for me.

wham! hello vulnerability, how's it going?

sigh.

it is true of course. i wasn't going to lie. it would have been stupid to do so. so yeah, i admitted (grudgingly) that he was right and that because i didn't have a safe space when i was younger so hence, it was something i made a priority as soon as i reached independence. we both knew that he already knew that. but i think it was important to verbalize and acknowledge it....despite the fact that verbalizing it also meant admitting to being vulnerable. i'm not one to run when confronting truths that are being brought up.

then a few days later, over brunch....


we were talking about the blog and he asked me how often i write. my instant response without hesitation was "everyday. i write and take pictures every day." he doesn't read my blog so he gave me a look that asked for more insight into my response. it was then i felt hesitant. it wasn't until after the meal that i would realize that this hesitation also had to with vulnerability.

it is one thing to write of my passions in this blog....writing, food, cooking, photography.....because there is still the mask of semi-anonymity. i am also interacting with a keyboard and looking at a monitor...which is not admitting how important it is to me under the very intense intelligent gaze of someone who knows me quite well. so i spoke of how i wrote and took pictures everyday, how i don't post everything that i write, but i do these things because i know that i need to do something that i am passionate about every day.

i need it.

if i don't have this, then things get bad for me.

which was fucking hard to say aloud to him. it wasn't hard because we were in public. it didn't matter that we were at suppenkuche either, i'm pretty good at tuning out my surroundings and just focusing on the person i'm hanging out with. it was just difficult to admit to a need....as that is the flip side of passion isn't it? it is one thing to say you are excited, exhilarated, and are filled with adoration. it is another thing to admit that it is a need.....that it is such an integrated and integral part of you never want to be without it....that you can't be without it.

for some people.....you know...the socially savvy and not emotionally retarded people.....admitting to having passions and needing them is not a big deal.

yet, i have never claimed to be socially savvy or emotionally fluent.

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