Thursday, February 3, 2011

in the absence of anger

after working for a few more hours today, and stopped into humphry slocombe for my double scoop of therapy.....

which consisted of a scoop tangerine sorbet (on top) and a scoop of black sesame (on bottom), i took a lot of deep breaths in between bites.

while, the stuff that is going on for me is minuscule and completely insignificant to what is going on in egypt right now, i'm not going to stop thinking about what is going on in my tiny sphere of existence.

i also know that when you end up putting in 12+ hour work days, sometimes it is good to stick in a break or two. as i walked to mission to catch a bus back to my place, i was eating my ice cream and pondered anger.

actually, i was midway back to mission when i realized what i was really pondering was the noticeable lack of anger. there was anger and then it was gone. like a switch to "off". i actually stopped on the sidewalk when i realized this.

because i realized that despite some things that happened that would have made me angry before, there was a conspicuous lack of anger this time with a particular person's maneuverings at work.

then it hit me, there was a lack of anger because i don't care anymore. i'm tired of caring. then there was relief in not caring. it was also as if someone had given me the key to unlock the shackles. of course, since i'm so fucking analytical, i had to think about how lack of anger corresponds and be interpreted in other situations.

because this is how the foodie hunter brain works. for better or worse. as a result, i finally understood when a loved one questioned if i really cared about a certain someone because i didn't get worked up about things (i.e., like not getting jealous is just one example) or nag them about certain things.

at the time of this conversation a long time ago, i thought the loved one was a bit odd...because...of course i cared about the certain person....but from my perspective, they are an adult and it is up to them to make decisions for themselves. when i said that aloud, the loved one countered with "but they think you don't care.". again, at the time, i didn't really understand it.....until now.

while i may be pretty smart at certain things, there are other things that take me a woefully long time to figure out. this was one of them.

the reason why this was such an "ah ha!" moment is because this is how mis-communication is born.

i can see now how my lack of shown anger can be construed as not today is a perfect example how my lack of anger definitely equated with my not caring anymore. but other times, especially with friends, lovers, or family....if i don't nag or get worked isn't because i don't is because i'm trying to not interfere or because i don't think i have the right to get worked up (well at least in front of them) and cause awkwardness for the loved one. i think that if i get worked up about something that is unreasonable than it is my shit/baggage that need to deal with on my own.

it is funny in an oddly ironic sort of way that it would take me not caring about some shit going down for me to realize and understand how loved ones may think that i don't not showing anger about things.

once i got on the bus, my ipod on very loud, tuning out the atmosphere, i shook my head in a bit of self disgust. ask me to analyze markets and i can easily spot trends, movements, outliers, provide very plausible outcomes and ....rattle off strategies for entering the markets and messages that would resonate within those markets....but ask me if my lack of anger can be interpreted by a loved one as not caring...and i'm clueless and unaware.


the reason why this bugs me so much is that because...of the is the latter that is indefinitely more important. i should have realized that a lot sooner.

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