Thursday, March 24, 2011

"if i only"


location: uk
time: after 1am

hmmm. i'm looking forward to making my way home tomorrow. i'm not certain if planes are landing in sfo between the breaks in the storm....but hopefully, by the time i land it will all be sorted.

unsurprisingly, it has been an exhausting few days. after dinner, i think i may have made some folks rather uncomfortable. during conversations, i don't volunteer very much information about myself...and i think if you are going to do some of those "probing" sort of questions in order to try to build a profile or get a "read" on someone....then you had better be prepared for all sort of answers.....even answers that may make people uncomfortable.

there was this round robin questioning about what would you do if you could "start over"....in terms of a job.

behind that question, there is the assumption that you can't start over now.

so right away, i knew that they weren't going to like my answer.

my answer is that i predict i will be doing a very different kind of job or be in a different industry for 10 years or less..... historically, i've already done quite a few different jobs where i have "started over"....and i don't see that stopping anytime soon. i do some work....i figure out where i want to go next...and it doesn't have to be the same thing or even in the same industry and then i go do that. i am not tied to any particular industry, job, or type of work. for me it is about learning, discovery, doing a good job...no matter what it is that i'm doing...and ensuring that i am financially secure.

everything else is up for grabs and depends upon who i am at that time, who do i want to be, what is important to me at that time, and what i am interested in.

there were some uncomfortable looks on people's faces with my answer.

i know why they were uncomfortable.

it is uncomfortable for some people to think about walking away from the "work life" they have created for themselves and starting anew. it isn't uncomfortable for me. i think it is exciting. i think of the possibilities. the challenges. the stimulation. the learning....all of it....and i'm not afraid of it. i am not afraid of change. i do not want to grow too comfortable....stagnant.....or resting on my laurels....or perceived success at a particular job type or category.

i work extremely hard no matter what i am doing. i have been extraordinary fortunate to have had some amazing mentors that have provided me with opportunities, pushed me, supported me....and allowed me to go at my own pace rather than a "standardized pace". rarely have i been in a situation where i have been "held back"....because at the end of the day...they often realized that my work made them look good....and in the rare instances where i have found that to be the case (because of ego or laziness on their part), then i left....because i never feel like i am "trapped" in any job or situation.

from my perspective, there is always a way out. for better or worse, i'm rather good at exit strategies.

yet, there are many that are afraid of change. there are so many that decide to put themselves in that box of "i can only do x-with my life because it is the only thing i know"......and then day dream about the life they "could have had" if they "could have" started over ......"if they only" .....made other or different decisions.

my approach is very different. i think about what i want...and then the different paths to get there.....and then i take those baby steps, biggie steps, or leaps of faith to get on one of those paths.....and see what happens. i may modify the path....but i keep focus on what i want and make it happen. for i am responsible for making things happen. me. so fuck if i'm going to blame anyone else for not pursuing my latest dream.

i never want to stop dreaming. i never want to put myself in a box. i never want "if i only" to be embedded in my heart's vocabulary.

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