Thursday, March 31, 2011

setsunai


well, i was planning to write about how i should do a wee bit more research about the degrees of separation in san francisco before blogging about branding analysis in the food scene. really. san francisco is such a small town. it really and truly is. sigh.

but, i'm not going to write about that.

i've got a rather important and huge presentation i need to work on for delivery tomorrow. i've been on calls/meetings since 6 am....sipping on loads and loads of strong english tea.....and now i'm taking a break...looking out on to a beautiful san francisco day and i'm feeling contemplative.


i know that i need to get my head back into the work game. this is a rather important presentation for my team and i take that responsibility very seriously... which means....i need to address, confront, and be a bit candid about why i'm sitting here....drinking my tea....feeling contemplative.....and feeling happy and sad simultaneously.

is never easy to say good bye to those that one loves.

ok, i should totally own it.

it is never easy for me to say good bye to people that i love.

i, grudgingly, admit here in a very public forum that i'm quite attached to them.

it is such a teeny tiny list of people. at my age, it should be a much longer list....but it isn't. i'm a cranky pants asshole like that. yet, despite my being rather emotionally and socially awkward, the people on that teeny tiny list know that i love them though. they also know that i see them. i see the quirks, the vulnerabilities, the challenges, the pride, their extraordinarily strong driven personalities, their seemingly limitless capacity for intelligence, humor.....love....and laughter. i see the risks they are willing to take. i see their contradictions. i respect them for who they are. i love them for who they are.

i'm also a big believer in supporting the people i love.

this may sound very common sense, but i've seen folks that don't adhere to this. i see folks that try to hold back, sabotage, or something along that ilk.... to folks that they love. i sense that they do this out of hurt, jealously, insecurity, or fear....and sometimes, interestingly enough, don't even realize that they are doing it...but they do. when i see those people, part of me wants to grab them, shake them, and say "what the fuck are you doing?"

because i believe in supporting the people that i love....sometimes that means saying good bye. sometimes it means feeling and sitting with a rather awful mixture of happiness and sadness.

sometimes it means being excited for them....being happy for them as they pursue dreams. it means cheering them on as they go down a path...that you know will make them happy. because, that is what i want for them...i want for them to pursue their dreams....i want for them to feel alive....and be happy.

sometimes supporting them along that path means having to say good bye...and that is where the sadness comes in. it means temporarily putting aside that sadness, that catch i feel in my throat, that seemingly impenetrable feeling of loss.....when i talk to them before they leave....because....right now...this amazingly important moment it isn't about me....it is about them....as it should be.

on the flip side, the cheery support could also be interpreted as not caring....you know "hey that's great that you are leaving! sounds like a great opportunity! it will be great! have fun!" aka "i-wont-even-notice-you-are-gone. what?-are-you-still-here?" ....which with sniper-like accuracy hurts them.....as they think "what the fuck? you aren't going to even miss me?"

sometimes this stuff is such an emotional minefield that i wish i had a complex navigation system directly linked into my overly analytical brain.

sometimes i wish it wasn't so hard to say how i feel.

this is what this is really about.

as i sit here, feeling a rather whirlwind of emotions.


i'm wondering.... when i see you in person, will i find the words to say....will i be able to say......

i love you.

i am incredibly excited for you.

i know that it is a bit scary.


yet, i know it will be great.


it will be great because i have faith in you.


i wish i could be there to see it and when you leave, i know i will feel like a piece of me is missing....because it already feels this way.


yet, what you are going to do is amazing, wonderful, and exactly what you need....and exactly who you are.

amazing.

when i think of you....all of the hard work...all of the sacrifice...all of the risk in pursuing your dream...despite my missing you already...i can't help but feel a smile shine within the sadness....because i am so incredibly fucking proud of you.

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