Wednesday, May 4, 2011


today, as i was making my way through my simple lunch, i was thinking quite a bit about instances where things seem overwhelming...and not in a good way.

there are times when things seem more than a wee bit overwhelming. whether it be an accumulation of things....from life in general....things happening with loved things going on in work life.....sometimes, i don't acknowledge just how overwhelming it all seems at the time....because i'm focused on just getting through it. you know....stumble....slippin......

but always telling myself that i have to get back up....that i must get back up....and there is no other choice...for me. i was thinking about this even more while i was at summit today, doing a combination of phase 2 work....and just reflecting while i was sipping on my "berry bomb" drink.

sometimes it is easier to reflect about certain things....when i am not physically in my apartment or neighborhood. when i first moved to this hood about a year ago.....instead of moving to the UWS of new york....i remember wondering if i really belonged here. how could a gal born of the tenderloin really belong in pac heights?

yet, it took employees at my old apartment building burglarizing my apartment and committing identity theft while i was in new york on business last november, for me to come back to the city and go "fuck you and your preconceived notions of who i should be...fuck your jealously...i sacrificed much to be where i am today....i have also worked my ass off to be in this neighborhood. i belong in this neighborhood. on my terms. period."

after all of that went down....cops, lawyers, paperwork, confrontations, living in a hotel, finding a new place to live, etc. etc. etc. i've never questioned my right to live here and live here however the fuck i want to.

nothing like folks trying to take something away from me for my epic stubbornness to settle into my bones and say "this is mine. i earned this. bring it on."

it was also during this time that i was trying to do everything i could possibly think of to ensure my team was protected from potential budget cuts at work.

it was kinda lot to deal with all at once.

it isn't until i was out of it that i realize that i was just holding it all together.

yet that is the way it goes....the moments where things feel incredibly overwhelming...when i stumble, slip, and fall down.....and something random will happen that reminds me that i must, can, and will get up. something random like my finally unpacking a box....and finding my journals from when i was a neophyte....and that takes me back to other times in my life when things were absolutely incredibly overwhelming.....and despite feeling like i was thrown into an abandoned well....looking up.....wondering...."how the hell am i going to get out of this?" i figured out a way to get up and out.....and walked away stronger than before.

it was good to have the reminder.

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