Friday, May 13, 2011


so, i'm here...snacking....on some saint benoit yogurt and a homemade drunk and spicy strawberry compote.....

the compote includes dirty girl strawberries, marshall farms honey, paper lantern chilies from tierra vegetables, and well...rye whiskey. that's it. pretty simple. the pics were from yesterday...but this is a snack i know that i'll be having at least two more times after today.

as i'm noshing on my snack, winding down from my work day that started about 5am-ish, i'm thinking about how predictable i can be.

i'm pretty predictable.

whenever i do something wacky.... like expose to the world wide web the fact that i'm actually not as heartless as i pretend to be....or the fact that the veneer of aloof heartlessness actually just covers up some shy social awkwardness....i go into hiding for a while.

there were some knowing guffaws from some close loved ones on the phone when they realized that i actually hit the "publish post" button about helping out at the hapa ramen stand last saturday. these loved ones knew i was going to literally, figuratively, and virtually scamper away.

so i did. i stayed away from the blog for a bit so that i wouldn't be tempted to remove the posting from public viewing.

then later on in the week, when i saw the nice tweet from richie/linecook that included a link to the post, i seriously thought about going into my bathroom, closing the door, and then crawling into my bathtub....huddling away in a fetal if that would prevent people from seeing me. like that was really going to help. sigh. i fully knew that putting that post up...while providing my wholehearted support of the hapa ramen crew and acknowledgement of their would also reveal quite a bit about who i am. in many ways.

it meant that to some people, i would no longer be faceless words on a blog....which is not easy for me. what i write here is me...and is typically the "me" that only those closest to me have seen. so by hitting the "publish post" button, i risk complete strangers being able to identify and know me. i find this very challenging.

yet, why did i do it? why even have a blog?

i have always written.....whether i am read or not. this will not change. also, i am rather notoriously hard on myself. no one pushes me harder than i push myself. when there are things that i am scared of or i find difficult...then i force myself to confront it....over and over. i force myself to practice....over and over....until it is no longer a fear. it doesn't mean i'm all smiles and giggles about it. it just means that it doesn't have the power over me that it once did. from my perspective, it enables me to grow. this blog has enabled me to grow quite a bit in the past few years. on many levels. i have a feeling it will continue to do.

another reason why i hit the "publish post" that i understand that sometimes when folks are knee deep in an event...or a certain stage in helps when someone on the outside.....looking in....acknowledges that you are seen. for reals. someone is actually paying attention to the challenges you've overcome. someone that sees the moments....the melody of moments.... that encompass some of the reasons why you sacrifice so much in the pursuit of a passion. someone that respects the efforts and what you have accomplished.

all to often, there seems to be a reluctance to say to someone "i see you. i see what you've accomplished. i respect and admire you for what you have done."

to say it plainly. to say it sincerely. to say it without an agenda.

i have never understood why there is such a reluctance to acknowledging someone else's gifts, talents, and passions.

maybe it is something that i never want to understand.

despite my nano-moments of seriously considering hiding out in my bathroom out of awkwardness and embarrassment, i'm glad that i did hit the "publish post" button. i have received some very nice feedback on the post...and i thank you, dear reader, for the kindness. also, there was the moment when i was communicating with a very talented hardworking shy young cook....who let me know that they enjoyed the post because they thought it was able to capture the kind of moments they are not always able to put into words. i got slightly choked up at that. more evidence... i suppose.... that i'm not as heartless as i pretend to be. sigh. for is moments like that one that makes the risk of being seen and compromising the anonymity worth it.

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