Monday, May 23, 2011

when it is ready

hmmmm. i'm finishing up a typical meal at home at the moment.


it is relatively simple with some sardines (canned w/tomato) sauteed with green garlic, spring onions, dried chilies, and nuoc mam.....this time on a bed of braised kale (braised with green garlic as well)....eggs (marin sun farms) with nuoc mam + ground red chili.


the pics you see in this posting was from earlier this week. yet, it is one of my common quick meals that i'll make for myself when i am in the mood for something a bit heartier. yes, to me this is pretty hearty for a meal at home. most of my meals at home are focused upon the amazing produce i am fortunate to have access to...pairing them with lentils, eggs, grains, pasta, or bread. i must also not forget the dairy...i do love my butter, yogurt, and cheese. as a result, hearty at home does not automatically equate to being meat heavy. for me, this is a way to balance out the meals i may eat that are a wee bit more rich (hello my almost weekly treat of something delicious from 4505 meats).

as i was making my way through my early dinner this evening, i was recalling a lunch i had with a friend earlier today. i met him downtown. i wanted to just check-in with him to see how he is doing because he just recently exited a relationship. i know that when B + i ended those years ago, i was glad to have loved ones and friends around me that reached out and made an effort...as i strove to create a new level of normalcy. it is a challenge. from my perspective, there isn't some magic elixer or balm that makes it all better....but sometimes, it was just nice that a friend showed that they cared.

we were speaking of this blog and such...and i mentioned how much it has helped me over the past few years....to have an outlet where i could celebrate what i am passionate about. maybe he'll consider something similar. while he isn't a published professional writer, he is a very talented writer. very. i know a few writers that would seriously consider murder in exchange to have a smidgen of his talent. perhaps he will leverage this time and channel it into his writing. perhaps he won't.

as always, the choice is his and his alone on what he decides to do with that talent.

if you notice that i haven't really relayed his side of the conversation....it is because i am trying to respect his privacy. it isn't because i have forgotten what he said. the privacy line is something i'm very aware of in this blog. i try to remain true to what is bouncing around in my mind....and true to my attempts to be open....while also ensuring that i don't hurt others.

at some point during the conversation, the conversation touched upon sadness. i relayed how from my perspective, after a loss....there is a sense of sadness that lingers.....and that the sadness will leave when it is ready. you can't make it go away. you can't tell it to hurry up. it will leave when it is ready to do so.

so now, as i sit here, making my way through my early dinner....thinking over the lunch earlier today....i recall how a lingering sadness was my companion for a while when B + i ended after seven years together..... and i know, unfortunately, a similar sadness now.

i think we show who we are during times like these....whether it be intense challenges to which i prefer to tenaciously confront head-on with a speedy stride.....or whether it be to not close myself off from the world because of being hurt. badly hurt.

i realize now...interestingly enough...that at some of the most significant moments of emotional trial and sadness...i walked away from these experiences......deciding and pushing myself to become more open instead of more closed. the easy way would have been to be more closed. yet, i made a conscious decision to not take the easy way....which isn't really surprising. since when have i ever taken the easy way? the beginning of this blog over three years ago is just one example. i also know that it isn't a coincidence that i'm pushing myself to work on being less socially awkward and egad, actually talk to people in not-work related settings these days either.

it probably has to do with confidence and relativity.

once the heart has been broken in ways that you thought you could avoid and feared the most....everything else emotional pain wise...is relatively small in comparison. also, the confidence came when i realized that despite everything...i was still me....that it didn't damage me to the point of nonrecognition.

this time though, i've made a quiet truce with my sadness. i know it is there. it knows it is there. it will leave when it is ready to leave.

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