Sunday, June 19, 2011

history

today has been a work day. i've finished up a few key things while i've been here at summit....escaping the heat of my apartment and sipping on a raspberry smash (see above pic).

there are unforeseen and unexpected moments that truly remind me of where i came from. there are also even more moments that remind me that where i, or anyone else, came from does not have to define who we are today...and who we decide and choose to be tomorrow.

this has been obviously been quite a bit on my mind after the dinner i had with my former mentor. i hadn't seen them in years and years....and there we were.....having dinner in completely different stages of life then we were when we worked together.

there are so many people who know me now....who didn't know me then...who i was then....being filled with so much fire + brimstone..... anger....so much incredible anger...channeled into this untenable faith that the life i had was absolutely positively not going to be the life i would create for myself. i'm not going to lie and say that i knew what to do...because i didn't. i had no fucking idea. none. i just had the drive. i just had the faith that i would figure it out. not figuring it out was not an option. looking back then, i do not know why i had such faith...perhaps it was youthful ignorant arrogance.....because pragmatically speaking...the odds were definitely not in my favor. perhaps it was because the books i buried myself in whispered to me that other lives were possible....and provided the seed for such faith to grow. i suppose i was always good at research.

there are so many people now.....that have told me that when they see me...they see someone smart, polished, professional, responsible, articulate, financially independent, and dare i say....relatively successful at the various career paths i have pursued.

yet, they have no idea. they have no idea how much it took to get here.

as a result, it is with mixed feelings that i listen to these descriptions of me.

i know that i have worked so hard to be where i am today and am....in many ways...quite relieved that i don't have to worry about putting food on the table and a safe roof over my head. i am also continuously amazed that i have had the opportunities to love some rather amazing people. yet, despite everything.....oftentimes....when i "see" myself, i see an intense angry punk-ass precocious kid with so much to learn.

so you can imagine, dear reader, what it felt like to read the words "i am so proud of you for what you have done in your career and your life"....from my former mentor in an email after our dinner.....who i hadn't seen in years and years before we had dinner the other night and and who knew that angry punk-ass kid quite well.

it was a good reminder that my history doesn't have to define my future.

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