Tuesday, July 5, 2011

thank you

i'm a weird kind of tired at the moment.

it isn't weird in a sense that it is unfamiliar. i'm very familiar with this sense of tiredness. i feel worn down.....both emotionally and physically exhausted....well, past feeling punchy....but i'm feeling too tired to sleep (that is the weird part) and i don't have the energy for any defenses (not so weird).

of course, this is when sadness descends and decides to take its tithe.

because it waits sometimes. the sadness waits until it can reap the full benefits of the harvest. it waits until it knows that enough time has gone by.....and you are too tired to pretend that it isn't there....lingering.....traveling with you. this tiredness spawns a sense of honesty..... likely the same kind of honesty that drives writers to drink. it is a lowering of inhibitions and where truths make themselves known without argument.

in many ways, i've been waiting.

i've been waiting for you to finally let me go.

i kept wondering...is this it? is it finally the time? then you'd appear again and the limbo state would continue.

yet, now.....now you have let me go.

finally.

now do you understand that sometimes.....how loving someone means loving them enough to let them go. or in this case, do you love me enough to let me go? and take responsibility for the fact that you didn't love me enough to keep me.

yes, those are some hard truths.

however, for better or worse....i see you. i know your strengths and weaknesses. i know that you love me.

yet, i also know that you didn't love me enough to keep me.



it is rather ironic that after all of that running, planning, and avoiding, i found myself on the very roller coaster ride i smugly thought i was too clever to get caught on. i don't know who i was more angry at....you....or myself.

i take ownership of this.

i take ownership of how i felt like i was being held hostage by emotions regarding you and i. a prime example is when i checked in on you when you were sick....and then i left to go hang out with someone else doing some rather fabulous events and dinner.....i kept thinking that instead of being at some fancy place with this guy.....i'd rather be sitting in the same room with you and the dog.....reading a book even....while listening to you hack, cough, and sneeze through your cold. i remember chiding myself at the time, because....again....we both knew that you didn't love me enough or want me enough.....but you couldn't walk away or let me go.

we both know how completely and utterly unfair this was.

i've been watching and waiting....for the moment when you'd finally let me go so that i'd have the safe space to process what it means to no longer consider the possibility of you and i....despite our rather complicated history. it means finally giving myself the space to miss you, say good bye with a clear conscience, and sit with the regrets about what could have been.....without having you to pop back into my life touting a "confusing-limbo-maybe" sign. when i promised you that i wouldn't walk away, i had no idea that you were going to try the "indefinite maybe" with me. yet, when you did....not only did i feel hostage to my feelings, i also felt hostage to my promise.

this was very trying.

yet, now it is different.

the moment of silence is finally here.

you have finally let me go.

thank you. thank you for loving me enough to let me go.


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