Friday, September 16, 2011

growing me

ell. it has been an interesting week. this is for certain.

after my morning meetings were over, i decided to end the week with having some of the homemade creme fraiche w/amarena cherries for breakfast.....

and paired it with some slices of a frog hollow farm nectarine.

i've been having this combo in my head since i made the ice cream and completely delighted with it. having ice cream for breakfast is one of the perks of being an adult. admittedly though, by the time i ate really was more like lunch since today was a super early morning meetings kind of day.

then, after my work day was complete, i headed over to wing wings in the lower haight as i've been having some severe cravings for the chicken salad on a biscuit as well as the wings with the jerk/herb/garlicky goodness sauce. not only do i enjoy noshing here....the folks here are always super nice. this combo helps with ending the week on a positive note.

while i was waiting for my order to come up, i may have evilly taunted someone working by sending them a pic of the sauces.....

with the caption of "guess where i am at?" ....since i knew how much we both really really like this place. their response was quite appropriate in their displeasure at my being there and them not. hee hee.

as i was making my way through my delicious chicken salad on a biscuit.....

and the wings with the herb sauce......

"tell me what you want from me" by mase piped through the place. i inwardly simultaneously groaned and laughed.

earlier this week, certain things finally came to a head because me and my blunt self was belligerently saying things like "what do you want from me?" well as a few other things...and well...they read the posting about my saying that they needed to let me go. i didn't name them...but they knew i was referring to them. at this stage in my life, i'm not tolerant of ambiguity. i have too much going on to try to figure out what games someone is playing....and have no desire to play them....even with someone that i've known for over a decade and will always be someone that i love and care for. whether folks be family, friends, or lovers....i don't want to have any doubt regarding where we stand with each other. none. life is too short and too complicated to be wondering if care is reciprocated with those that we....or i care for. i spend quite a bit of time ensuring that those that i love and care for know without a doubt that i love them, respect them, and support them. for all of my crystalline robotic assholeness, i am quite the paradox this way. yet, this is just who i am. i've accepted it.

it was a lot to think about while i finished up my delicious and rather comforting meal.

after, i finished up, i hopped on muni and decided to pop into jane for some coffee and a bit of writing and processing.

as i was taking sips of my cappuccino, i was also taking in what it means to no longer have this person in my life. actually, to be honest, i'd been thinking about what this means for quite some time. so i've probably had a lot more time to process what it means then they have.

while i am sad, i am also relieved.....because there is clarity. because....i confess.... i feel free. it feels so good to feel free that i feel guilty about it. when i wrote those words...."i feel free" in my journal....i felt lightened...incredibly i am no longer being held promises about working things out when it was not good for me.

because what do you do when you realize that someone that used to know you....almost better than you knew yourself.....wasn't aware of some of the most significant changes in your life the past couple of years. especially when they write this

"I've watched you slowly and meticulously paint yourself into a corner, your world growing ever smaller."

when i read those words, i cocked my head to the side....trying to puzzle this out. because this is so incredibly odd on so many levels.

ummm. ummmmm. my years of growing my world has been well documented in this blog. i kinda felt like i was at know when someone says that you haven't sent them something via email....or haven't told them something....and you (or me) ends up forwarding them various email archives pointing to evidence that they are wrong. i kind of felt like pointing to links to the 800 or so postings that are publicly available that detail the changes in my life....and growing my world.

of course, me and my empirically-oriented self, had to ask a couple of people that have known me just as long...if not longer....and asked them if they thought my world had gotten smaller.

they all were in disbelief that i even asked that question.

then i realized that someone hasn't been listening or paying they used to.....for quite some time. sometimes, certain statements are incredibly revealing. also, it made me realize that there was also the extremely strong possibility that i withdrew a lot earlier than i thought i did....while trying to be there for them and supporting them.....i did not want them to be there for me. i did not want to tell them some of the wonderful things going on....because i was weary and wary of what this person might do with the information. somewhere along the way, i stopped trusting them. i didn't stop caring for them. i stopped trusting them.

for good reason.

very very good reason.

then i realized that despite the trust being broken, they made no efforts to make up for it. it wasn't like there wasn't opportunity to do so. hell, with everyone else in my life, if there are misunderstandings, miscommunication, and whatnot, there are efforts on both parties to make up for what happened for a affirm the re-establish the trust....then it goes back to the normal flow of the relationship and connection. yet, it only works when both people do this. it doesn't work when it is one-sided.

i have no idea how i am going to feel about this later. yet, for now....i'll just stand here.... with my strange simultaneous mix of sadness, relief, and i stride toward continually growing my world....and me.

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