Friday, September 2, 2011

remember, the enemy's gate is down


looking out the window.

the fog has nestled itself amongst the buildings. there is a slight yet cold breezy wind that enables the trees to sway slightly at random moments. the street lamps add patches of hazy amber glow. i half chuckle and half groan as i whisper a common local joke to myself "another summer evening in san francisco". the street itself, is not empty, despite the lateness of the hour. yet the rhythm of the street noise is comforting as i continue to do a bit of processing regarding what it means to remember who i am despite whatever the challenging circumstances. to remember who i have chosen to be.

i know that the journey i have chosen is not an easy one. it never has been. i expect that it never will be.

yet, it doesn't mean that i don't have moments where i feel tired. worn. weary. it doesn't mean that despite having an epic titanium strength prideful stubbornness that i don't have moments of regret. it doesn't mean that despite taking responsibility for my choices that i don't have fanciful impractical private moments of wishing that things could have been different....and thinking wouldn't it have been nice to have it all? then the resulting mushroom clouds of pain shuts down any notion of continuing those kinds of conversations with myself.

most of the time, the momentum of my drive enables me to identify, decide, and stride through many choices and alternative irregular options with comfort. i've never been one to be in a paralyzed stasis. yet, there are moments when i pause.....almost to catch my breath....rest....regroup....and that is when everything else hits. is it possible for something to creep in and hit you sneakily when you kind of knew that it was coming? it always comes when i am worn down. i find myself completely annoyed and a bit resigned as i end up muttering to myself "fine, bring it on".

even as i write these words, i am completely laughing at myself. defiant resignation. i'm not certain how that is even plausible...yet that is what it is. sigh. finding amusement at my own foibles and paradoxical behavior actually makes me feel better.

it reminds me that i'm human.

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