Thursday, September 1, 2011

tainted


today was complicated.

actually, this week has been rather complicated.

i'm at sf moma at the moment. did some afternoon work and a lot of hiding out...as i dipped into my affogato of humphry slocombe's secret breakfast ice cream topped with blue bottle espresso (see top pic). as today is a thursday, the museum is open late and i'm looking forward to losing myself in one of the photography exhibits that i've been meaning to revisit for a while.

maybe losing myself within photography will make me feel less tainted. maybe it will remind me that there is a lot more to the world than this moment.

there are some challenges to managing an international team at a corporate level. well, there are a lot of challenges but the one i'm feeling at the moment is the difference in cultures....or approaches to business. there are many reasons why i've always shied away from managing teams. politics....for certain....is a major reason to avoid managing teams and then throw in the international factor and things get super duper more complicated. rules of behavior in the US are not the same elsewhere. there are different notions of professionalism. things that are a HUGE no-no in the US in terms of communication, sexual connotations/flirting, behavioral practices, etc are VERY different in other cultures.

when i look at the cliques, groups, alliances, etc....it reminds me of being a neophyte.....watching similar groups and subgroups in middle school.....thinking....why do i have to be so diplomatic when you...obviously are not? why do i have have to be ethical, calm, and rationale....when you are not? it is rather disturbing that i'm able to make parallels of behavior of middle school students to grown adults.

managing a team means being responsible for them and the work of the entire team....no matter what. it also means dealing with an incredible amount of bullshit politics as well.

when i get angry, i get very "lawyer-y". i have no idea if that is a real adjective. i may have just made it up. on the spot. i remember the first time when i was calmly arguing with one of the parental units, i think i was about 5 years old....when they said "you should be a lawyer".

it wasn't intended as a compliment.

when i get angry, i don't yell.

i get detailed.

i start pinpointing lists of evidence to support my point, backed up with emails, reports, and various other data points. i keep extremely detailed records. when i was a neophyte and had a more agile brain (age....it happens....sigh).....i used to be able to recite entire conversations from memory. verbatim. these days, my aged brain relies on email and well documented records. i really don't feel the need to say that "so-and-so-just-blatantly-lied" but rather have a bulleted list of facts and the emails i've attached point to the lying and liars. i do this in such an unemotional way either in email and on the phone that this is where the "robotic", "cold fish", "intimidating", etc adjectives are used to describe me.

i don't get it. you shit and me + my team with false accusations and you want me to hold your hand and say it will all be better? then hurt you the moment you turn away lulled by a false sense of security?

if i stab you, you will see it coming. i don't smile at you one moment and then stab you when your back is turned.

the clarity of my assholeness is crystalline and consistent.

i don't tolerate hissy fits from my godkids who are 5 and 7....what makes them think i'm going to tolerate adult hissy fits? hissy fits have no place in the workplace. well, not if you aren't a premiere/distinguished engineer, scientist, a "C" level exec, founder, board members or some other function that is EXTRAORDINARY vital to the revenue of the company. folks that aren't directly vital to revenue at the levels that i've just mentioned that make accusations in the midst of their hissy fits often spout inaccurate data....which gives me the prime opportunity to invalidate their arguments.

stupid people.

stupid short-sighted people.

i only pull this sort of thing when provoked....for example, when people try to use politics to smear the team or attempt to use the team as a scapegoat for weaknesses within their own teams or skill set. folks usually only try this once....because as someone else once put it "you come after them with both barrels".

everything i say btw is within the rules. diplomatic rules. hr rules. etc. etc. it is just rather blunt.

what pisses me off is that because it is such a large international organization the people that step in and try this shit with me seems never ending.

i may not like conflict but i don't run from it.

afterwards though.....moments like now....i feel the impact. as if some part of me has been tainted somehow with the participation within the politics.

i don't know if losing myself within art and photography will dilute the taint....yet, i'm going to give it a try.

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