Tuesday, November 8, 2011

masks


not to state the obvious or anything....but i haven't written for quite some time.

it hasn't been a case of not having things to say, to write, or to process.

it has been more of a what should or shouldn't i say?

everyday i have sat in front of the monitor, put my hands on the keys, and thought "is this the day?"

every. day.


there is some comfort in anonymity as it provides a mask.....albeit sometimes an illusionary mask....yet, the anonymity mask is still a device that provides me with the capability to be vulnerable and "speak" truthfully. the more folks that know who i am "in the flesh", the more difficult it becomes to maintain that level of vulnerable truthfulness....the sort of stark blunt honesty that enables this blog to be a sanctuary space.

a small sanctuary space where i could just be me with all of my contradictions, weaknesses, and foibles. a space where i could be nerdy uncool unhip in my passions. a space where i could type of many seemingly unrelated random things that make up snippets of stories....just unassuming tiny snippets about an everyday life with everyday challenges and everyday moments of pleasure. yet, no matter what...the snippets would be honest, open, and truthful in the moment.

what has been on my mind recently is that i don't know if i will be able to continue to do so. as the anonymity slips here and there....i don't know if i will be able to write with the same blunt honest mindset that i did before.

to be quite frank, i don't know if i'm strong enough to do so.

i want to believe that i'm strong enough to do so.

yet, i don't know if i will be.

how's that for some honesty?

there are some things in life that i have some overwhelming epically large amounts of...like pride, stubbornness, analytical processing speed in the identification of patterns (which unfortunately is decreasing with age....sigh) and the like...but i'm not carrying around a big load of "willingness to be vulnerable". the amount is more a kin to a thumbnail...and i have small hands.

do i know that it is something i need to work on?

yes.

you can't hear me...but if you could. you'd hear a whisper that would also sound like a remarkably squeaky kind of "yes".

it is one of the reasons why i started this blog...years ago. i knew i needed to work on this.....and i have been working quite diligently on this.

yet, it is still a challenge.....for me....and one that doesn't seem to get easier.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Foodie Hunter,

To begin with, count me in as one of the readers who am exclusively familiar with the anonymous version of your persona :)

What exactly do you mean by "willingness to be vulnerable"? How does this concept play out if you were to do so? are you referring to grappling with whether to discuss your romantic life, certain specifics of your professional life, describing conflicts or laments about certain friends or acquaintances (even if you give them anonymous pseudonyms in your blog), or some other issue - or do the issues for which you grapple with exposing a vulnerable side of yourself vary over time?

Just curious. I am asking for more specifics about your problem, without expecting you to make a decision one way or another.

Good luck!

foodie hunter said...

since the inception of the blog in 2008, i have written many snippets and stories that have shown an openness and a willingness to be vulnerable that span many different types of experiences and situations.

should the situations involve other people... i ensure that i use pseudonyms....or remove enough detail so that the privacy of others is protected.

from my perspective, the recent posting was about already having written from a "willingness to be vulnerable" position for the past few years and whether or not to continue.

Anonymous said...

Sounds good to me. I think you should continue as you have, so to speak. Of course easier said than done, speaking from the outside like me.