Thursday, December 22, 2011

my life. my choices. my blog.

yeah, i know that i haven't been writing for a while.

well, i haven't been writing here anyway.

when i started, i never expected anyone to read this blog. i have some rather mixed feelings knowing folks are reading it. however, my feelings about people trying to tell me what to write or how i should conduct myself on this blog are not mixed. what i have learned is that the more people that read this blog, the more contact i have with people that seem to have a sense of entitlement regarding what i write.

this is mind boggling on many levels.

this is particularly mind boggling since i have never....not even once...asked anyone what they think about my blog. i have never solicited any opinions or feedback about it. i am never the one to bring it up in conversation. i have stated....repeatedly...over the years...that i write for me and me only.

over the past few weeks, i have been thinking about whether or not to continue.

i'm not going to lie. i'm still thinking about it.

i remember when i was finishing up my studies at berkeley [which was a VERY long time ago btw]...a couple of my profs.....noting....that i had a "knack" for research, how i was running an academic student group that ran events, a newsletter, peer advising, etc., and the fact that i was 19 when i started on my senior year honors thesis....they all assumed that i was going into academia.

OH HELL NO.

i thought it was rather mind boggling that they even thought they had a say in what i would do with my life.

they may have seen me in class or office hours but they knew nothing about who i was. by this point in my life, i learned that folks...especially teachers...see what they want to see...and see what they hope to "shape and mold" into what they want....not necessarily what the student actually wants.

the last couple of years of berkeley, i was incredibly stressed out about my decision to not work (when i started college i had two jobs....one at a combo bar/dive/pizza joint and another at a retail sales gig at a kitchen gear store), racking up more loans, and do things like unpaid internships and running the student organization. these profs knew nothing of this. they also knew nothing of how i have always hated school. always. i love learning.....but i've always hated school....and going into academia would mean school for the rest of my life.

i said nothing of this to the profs. when they would make murmurings and suggestions about getting my P.h.D., i stated quite clearly that the only three letters i'd be pursuing post-school were: J.O.B. my main objective included my earning enough money to pay off my student loans and becoming financially independent. this was a non-negotiable.

the profs wouldn't give up about trying to influence my path....they keep on saying things about getting a job writing for living....to which my response was

"i don't want to be the talent. i want to find the talent".

like most adults i came across during my neophyte years, they looked at me like i was from another planet.

i cannot tell you how many times folks have had a sense of entitlement regarding what i should do with my life...especially when i was a kid.

  • no, i didn't want to be an engineer.
  • no, i didn't want to be a lawyer.
  • no, i didn't want to be a scientist
  • no, i didn't want to be a doctor
  • no, i didn't know what i want my future wedding/husband to be like because maybe i won't get married.
  • no, i didn't want to be ten years old and be in college.
yup, this was even before i entered college.

i don't get people that have so much personally invested in influencing other people to do what they want them to do. i think those people need to take a real close look at themselves, their own motivations, and what they find so lacking in themselves that they need to influence others so badly.


i remember the day when i was promoted to being a full fledged editor. JS bought me a rather fancy pen to sign my first contract as an editor. he was always so proud of me....referring to me as a "phenom". i remember how i sat there in my office with a view, this fancy pen, and one of the contracts.....and thought back to those profs who looked at me like was an alien. while i didn't know when i left school exactly what it was.....how i was going to get there....i found what i wanted. i became the person who found the talent and i was good at it.

while i am no longer an editor.....that was a couple of lifetimes ago....and why i decided to stop being an editor is a story for another time......i think i'm remembering this story now...because it is a way of reminding myself that i've never taken the typical path for anything.

not when i was a kid, not when i was in school, not in my various "careers"...and not.....not even now.

oddly enough, it has always been a battle against what other folks feel entitled to regarding my life....which makes little sense. why should other people even care? i mean, really?

really.

it seems that despite other people's expectations, sense of entitlement regarding what i should do with my life, there has always been a constant of me saying

"go fuck yourself. i decide what i want to do with my life".

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