Saturday, January 29, 2011

leaving the market with a soup belly

you know you are old when you don't spend the friday night partying until 2am but rather at your desk, working on a project because you've got the momentum going, listening to dre streaming through your pandora, and are somewhat wired from sipping a heady concoction consisting of four barrel coffee and condensed milk over ice. i eventually made myself head to bed because i didn't want to sleep through a visit to the ferry building market. if i don't think i can't make it to the ferry building before 10:30 at the absolute latest...then i don't go. i prefer to go when it isn't super crowded. so i was kinda cranky when packed muni buses would pass my stop this morning when i rolled out of the bed to make my way to the market. once i squeezed onto one...i realized what the issue was....i mean, the 1 california is pretty crowded during the weekend mornings anyway...it is a conduit bus between richmond and chinatown...but today was unusually crowded....and it is because there is an event happening in chinatown.

once i arrived at the market, i got down to business. i ran around picking up some carrots from star route farms, tiny radishes from marin roots (which i was nibbling on as i walked through the market), fruit from frog hollow, greens from dirty girl, chilies from tierra vegetables, and a quince rose syrup from june taylor that i've been wanting to try. then as i made my way toward 4505 meats, i saw that the hapa ramen foks had their stand set up at the market today. i hope that they'll become a regular at the saturday market. after a chat with the always vivacious mrs. hapa ramen and an introduction to a new face that i didn't recognize, haparamen/linecook pipes in with "she's a famous food blogger".....which, naturally, is his good-natured way of giving me shit....and is usually my cue to scamper away as quickly as possible....because i usually keep my identity under wraps as much as possible.

yet, by this point, he's said it so many times, that i've gotten used to it.

not like it is true though.

because it is not.

i'm not famous.

he just likes to say it to try to embarrass me....and he wonders why i will not be introducing him to anyone that i am dating unless i am, like, a thousand percent sure where i stand with said person. i also feel this way about introducing anyone to my deliciously wicked godfather as well...which makes sense. they are both among my favorite rabble rousers.


anyway, i also think linecook saying this is particularly funny given how famous he is....not just for food but also for his blog.......and well...for not being afraid to speak his mind via various social media outlets. also i thought him saying this was funny because there was a chef visiting the stand this morning...who is pretty well known for his blog as well. hence, given the company i was around this morning, i was definitely not the famous one.

so, after i said the goodbyes to the hapa ramen folks, i took my non-famous self and headed over to acme bread....slurping on my warm comforting ramen as i walked.....


i'm getting better at the walking and slurping thing. it involves a lot of drinking from the bowl.

i picked up my usual loaf of acme upstairs bread and made mental note that perhaps i should try their buckwheat bread sometime. i'm actually typing that out here to remind myself later. but today, i wanted my usual upstairs bread because i foresee having upstairs bread, butter, tiny radishes with fleur de sel in my near future....like this evening...and didn't feel like deviating from this vision. i had already grown quite attached to it.

then as i walked outside of the ferry building....i was pretty full from the ramen and could tell that i was going to have a well rounded soup belly for a while. yet, i was in the mood to be a total glutton and stopped off at tell tale preserve stand to get some treats....including a coffee bourbon bun


i do love this bun.


insert wistful sigh here.

this would be my second breakfast of the morning.

as i rode muni back to my place, looking at some random things out of the window.....


yes, those are people walking on stilts.....and just thinking about how much i do love living in this city.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

it's on

i made myself this rather strong iced coffee (i.e., concentrated coffee made from four barrel beans mixed with sweetened condensed milk) to fortify myself for the visit to the police station outside of san francisco today. i sipped at it for a while, slowly, preparing myself for what i would have to say and do. the family arrived and then we all went to the station outside of the city and then i filed the report.

it wasn't an easy or fun experience....but it was a necessary one.



Saturday, January 22, 2011

"why does it matter?"

i'm getting ready to head out to meet up with some loved ones at bar agricole for the evening but before i headed out, i wanted to share with you something that i've been thinking about the last couple of days. i was going to share it with you yesterday after i paid a visit to humphry slocombe and write about it over coffee at haus ...but alas, haus had some kind of filming thingy going on. i quickly turned around and exited one of my favorite coffee haunts (they do ritual coffee...and there is a barista there who pulls a nice cappuccino) after i saw that was going on.

yet, i'll take the moment now.

friday was a rather intense day....another intense day in a series of intense days that will not likely end for a while. by the time the meetings and such were done, i had decided it was a humphry slocombe day. when i arrived at humphry slocombe, one of my favorites was on duty....he is always friendly and nice. i don't know how my favorite folks at humphry slocombe stay nice. they have to deal with some crap-o-la people which makes me appreciate the ones that stay nice even more. also, interestingly enough, one of my other favorites popped into the front which was a surprise...as i thought he left for another job. i guess he's back. then it was, like a red letter day moment, when i saw the owners load up their car...which i would later realize via twitter that they were likely making a delivery to mcevoy at the ferry building. the mcevoy olive oil ice cream flavor is one of my faves.

this is what you get to see when you visit humphry slocombe during off hours and don't have to stand in line.

one of these days i may go up to mr. jake godby and say how much i truly adore his creations...and how i turn to his creations time and time again for comfort, laughter, or intellectual stimulation....but probably not.

i'll probably just let my pictures continue to speak for themselves.

like the dreamsicle (tangerine swirled with creme fraiche)....


just yummy.

as i sat there, licking away at the dreamsicle scoop (yes, i do that sometimes...just hold the cup and lick away)....i was thinking about a conversation i had with someone at the bank regarding the identity theft that is still going on. i am pretty organized about it all and trying to ensure that the various law enforcement outposts and agencies are aware of what is going on. i know all about cross-silo communication.

the bank lady asked me "why does it matter?" when speaking about the third police report that i will be filing this weekend...outside of san francisco this time. i paused when she asked me that question. she was genuinely curious and hadn't run into anyone as organized i was about this....and as determined that all agencies have the same info.

it matters because these thieves are very organized.

i'm obviously not their first target or their last. they have been able to get away with this for quite sometime. it matters because i have a very strong feeling that they have targeted people that, perhaps, as i am finding out.....were not in a position to connect the dots for various law enforcement agencies....or perhaps some of the others that have been victimized have given up...because they don't have the resources....or even know about the existence of the resources. also, in comparison to narcotic deals or homicides....economic theft and identity theft of everyday folks such as myself is not a high priority given resources at certain local law enforcement agencies.

there is no bitterness here btw. this is just a fact of life. but this doesn't mean that i just sit at home and twiddle my thumbs and do nothing to fight back.

legally that is.

i told her that i am in the position in my life where i am able to do this. i have the kind of job where i may work until the wee hours of the morning but it also means that i can take a couple of hours off in the middle of the day. i have some skills at organization, research, and navigating bureaucracy....and well... i am can also be a bit driven and determined at times.

so for me, it matters.

for me it matters to build up a paper trail that records what they have done and how they have done it. it builds up a paper infrastructure......or a paper "net" so that as they continue to do their illegal activities....law enforcement agencies will be able to build a bigger picture of what they have done....perhaps big enough to be put on their radar.

also, tangible evidence leads to prosecution.

if the paper trail i create can help...sometime in the future...to prevent this from happening to someone else...then for me, it matters.

after listening to my frank assessment and revealing a bit more about my personality than she was probably prepared to hear, she said "so, what you are saying is that you are doing this because you think your voice stands for, say, 60-something or more people that don't have the resources to fight, or say that this is happening to them."

yes.

as cheesy as that sounds.

how the fuck is this fun? talking to strangers, relating things that have happened, tracking details, proving that i am who i say that i am and not these fuckers who are pretending to be me. most of all...it is admitting that this is actually happening to me.... to say that i am a victim.

I HATE THAT THE MOST.

fuck on that shit. i am not a victim. i totally resent feeling like i am in that position.

so i fight back....using the skills that i have.

after the discussion with the bank lady ended, it wasn't until a few hours later that i realized why she asked me these things. a few hours later, she sent me an email indicating that she did some calling and digging around on her own....and found out that some kiosks have pictures of where some of the illegal activity occurred and some other details that will be very useful.

this info was completely unexpected and unasked for. this wasn't the first conversation i've had with this bank lady btw. yet, there must have been something about the last conversation that struck a nerve...for her to do this extra digging....and take these extra steps.

this is why it matters....because despite the worst i've seen in people during these past couple of months...i'm also...unexpectedly....seeing some of the best of others. people....loved ones....strangers....some friends of friends... that are taking an extra step to help...who don't have to...but decide to do so....because they can.

so, yeah, it matters.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

wild mountain spinach in my sanctuary

well.

those were some disturbing meetings this morning.

it was almost 11am when i realized that i really needed to step away from the computers, blackberries, etc etc. i almost went to the sf ferry building as i saw that hapa ramen had a chicken confit sandwich on the menu today at the thurs farmers market. but alas, i wasn't in the right mindset for a visit to the ferry building.

i decided instead to just spend some quiet time in my sanctuary....which is....naturally, my kitchen. i am very glad that despite the crazy ass stuff that has been going on these past couple of months that i took the time modify and settle into my kitchen.

i've been wanting to make something with the wild mountain spinach (i.e., orach) i picked up from heirloom organic gardens at the tuesday farmers market at the ferry building....and today, seemed like the perfect day to do so. i puttered around my kitchen looking for various ideas and such. i also had some premade pizza dough (it is the fresh stuff made in-house at my local whole foods) and liked the idea of adding some of the ground heirloom corn meal from tierra vegetables to the dough.....and then with a bit of sauce and cheese...voila....i'd have a wild mountain spinach pizza....perhaps a way to still showcase the lovely purple color. i had no idea if it would turn into another color once it was cooked but was hoping that it wouldn't.


as i worked with the dough and added the oaxacan green heirloom cornmeal from tierra vegetables farm.....


i thought about how much i truly love this. i love the feel of the ingredients....



the textures underneath my finger tips.....how i love looking at the colors.....working with the ingredients....not certain what the final outcome will be...but just letting myself be wrapped up in the moment. no pressure for anything to be perfect. just enjoying each moment.

the last time i saw a certain loved one, he mentioned that when all of this was over that i should take some time to have "fun". it has been a rather trying couple of months. i think that this conversation made me realize that perhaps, some folks, aren't aware of how much i love and enjoy moments like this. how easy it is for me to loose myself in these sort of moments. food, writing, ideas, photography...these are all of my passions....and are things that i pursue everyday....because if i didn't..... i'd feel numb and lifeless.

i am not the type of person that drifts through life.

life is too precious to waste it.

i know that i look to my job for the intellectual puzzles and stimulation....which is also a very integral part of who i am. i cannot have a job where i do not think. i'm not good at being bored. it is probably why i push myself in my work....because i know that i am responsible for ensuring that i am intellectually stimulated at work...or through work related projects and reading.

yet, i realize that there is a lot more to who i am than my analytical intellectual ability....and this is where food, writing, and photography come in. do i get "paid" for my passions? not in the traditional sense. yet, the dividends that i receive from pursuing these passions of mine are priceless.

how do you put a price on feeling alive?

how do i explain how much pleasure i get from feeling cornmeal between my fingers? how my heart hums when seeing the vibrant purple of a vegetable that i've never tried before? to look at it with curiosity and wonder.....anticipating what it may taste like...to bring together multiple tastes and textures....even in a simple pizza........adding sauce....



cheese.....



the wild mountain spinach.....


creating something for my mood or in this case, my comfort?



i'm not certain if i can adequately articulate this.

as i put the pizza in the oven, i lingered in my sanctuary, just thinking more about the events of the past few weeks. i thought about how i'm not ready to make nice....





and why should i be?

i'm not ready to stop being angry.

because i am.

very very very angry.

the anger i feel is not the "outburst" sort of anger as was so clearly illustrated a few postings ago. JB said that when she read that posting...she could tell that i was in my warrior mode. i'm actually snickering to myself as i type that. i'm such a tiny warrior. sigh. me tiny...hear me roar....or perhaps....squeak. i can't help it...it cracks me up. yet, i understood what she meant. anyway, the anger i am feeling right now is a very calm sort of anger.

it is a good idea to acknowledge its presence.

as my brain and heart were mulling over this....i could tell when the pizza was almost done by the smell. i'd ended up checking it on a couple of times and i'd say it was in the 425 degree oven for about 25 minutes total. next time i try this, it may be more or less next time. i may crank up the heat another 25 degrees and see what happens. this is one of the reasons why i love being a home cook. sometimes, you just have to go with the flow and be flexible to the circumstances.


doesn't it look lovely?
i love the color. i also thought it tasted quite lovely as well.

as i took a couple of slices to my table to look out onto my city view,


i thought about how this whole processing moment in my kitchen sanctuary was about acknowledging that i will be angry quite a while and be ok with it. also, that no matter what happens.....what has happened and is happening right now....that these events cannot take my passions away from me....they cannot take who i am away from me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

beckoned by the rebel within

yesterday, i saw a retweet/tweet from tablehopper regarding william werner's the "rebel within" that included this link. i have visited his tell tale preserve stand at the ferry building market and have had a private moment of deliciously shameful wicked bliss while eating his coffee bourbon bun...so i already had an indication of how often i will be visiting his place once it opens on maiden lane....yet my eyeballs definitely widened when i saw pics of the "rebel within" on their online journal/website.

what i noticed right away was the color of the egg yolk...and was extremely intrigued. the not so small nerdy part of me was like..."how the heck did they do that?". i knew that i was going to figure out something in order to try it.

it beckoned me....and i decided to answer its call.

i got to the market pretty early and many other vendors were still in the process of setting up.

this is what happens when i have meetings beginning at 1am and the last one ending around 8ish. don't cry for me, i did have a nap in between. also, no lectures either. it is the nature of my job and making certain that my team obtained the support they needed.

anyway, i was pretty excited and bought a couple of the coffee bourbon buns (just because i like them so much. i may share pics of them sometime in another posting. or not.) as well as the "rebel within". then i did a drive by heirloom organic gardens and picked up some rather beautiful wild mountain spinach and then dropped into acme for some upstairs bread before heading work/home in time for another meeting.

it wasn't until much later that i was able to try it....


and it was lovely....just lovely.

the pics i took don't really do it justice. the dough...very light....reminded me of a hybrid of gougere, biscuit, and popover at the same time....with the chunks of tasty sausage and that beautiful egg....


the yolk...almost custardy in texture.



delicious.

this was a time when being beckoned by the rebel within was a good thing....a very good thing indeed.

i'll be answering that call again.

Monday, January 17, 2011

cowardice


technically, today was a "holiday" from work. yet, i was working most of the morning and then saw the family for a bit later in the afternoon. right now.... i'm sipping on some philz coffee, feeling the caffeine hit, looking out of my window and seeing a few home lights peering through the haze of the late night fog. i am not going to bed for a while. my next meeting is at 1am. i figure i'll wind down after my meeting...which will probably end around 2ish or so....sleep for a few hours and then get up for the next round/work day.

as per usual, the later it gets, the more contemplative i get.

while i know that i am wired from the caffeine (AB likes to joke that they must put crack in their coffee), i am also wired from everything that has been going on and just keeps coming....and coming....and despite deception, manipulation, and lies....



i refuse to "learn" such behavior.

i refuse to repeat it.

i refuse to take it out on others.

i refuse.

i believe that we become who we truly are when times are difficult.

we reveal to ourselves and others....who we truly are.

i may be a robotic overly analytical asshole. yet, i have a code of ethics. at the core of these ethics is the theme of "do not deliberately hurt other people". can i be indifferent about people? yes. frankly, if i don't love you than i am often indifferent toward you. do i deliberately try to hurt other people just because i can? no. am i aware that i have the intellectual capacity to hurt people and hurt them badly? yes.

why don't i do this? you know, deliberately try to hurt people...even though i know i have the capacity to do so and likely get away with it.

because it is wrong.

because i do not see the benefit in doing so.

because i do not get a rush of power or satisfaction from seeing someone else damaged or hurt.

because i do not need to hurt other people to feel better about myself.

yet, i see others....other people....who do not share my quirky code of ethics and perspective. i see their maneuvering and am decidedly unimpressed.

to me, this shows a decided lack of self confidence.

to me, this shows cowardice.

to me, this means when you are outed as the insecure coward that you are and completely decimated, it will be what you deserved.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

grounded

the murky overcast weather has returned this morning.

i noticed the return of the overcast weather when i opened the window blinds in my kitchen and made my au lait. btw....both my chrome shelving and my stainless steel table arrived. after i dragged the various pieces up six flight of stairs (i can almost see the heart sister and AC rolling their eyeballs as i didn't wait for them to help me. of course.) and put everything together, i finally felt settled in my kitchen. as i made my coffee (four barrel today) in a french press and heated some milk (clover),


i could feel a quiet calm of settled purpose come over me. i received some additional unexpected and rather unpleasant news on friday which resulted in my feeling rather defiant at the universe and led to that rather charged posting.

obviously, i am still feeling rather defiant but i know how to channel that energy into something productive. i don't mean to win the battle....i mean to win the war. even at times like this, i can still step back..see the bigger picture....and make strides toward it.




despite everything though, yesterday was a good day.

it is important to have perspective and not forget to appreciate the good moments among the chaos.

as the heart sister, AC, + kids were planning to come into the city yesterday, i made certain that i arrived at the sf ferry building market to grab some things. i ran into a homie and as usual, i quickly exited our conversation once the chef-cook-industry people also wanted to catch up with him. as i have mentioned before, with a couple of rare exceptions, i stay away from folks in the industry. after saying "hey" to the homie, i went to dirty girl to pick up some produce and then hit up 4505 meats and saw that they had a duck scallion sausage on the menu. i'm never married to having "breakfast foods" in the morning. it all depends on how i feel. the duck scallion sausage sounded just delicious and it was.


yet, before i ate it....i...of course....took a few pictures of it...


totally in my zone....thinking about how much i am going to enjoy this beautiful sausage...and then i hear someone call out my real name......a few times....which jolted me out of the zone.

people calling out my name at the market does not happen very often.

i was pleasantly surprised to see that it was mrs. hapa ramen, a sassy vivacious uber cool lady who handles the front of the house stuff right now. she, of course, is one of the rare exceptions of folks in the industry that know who i am. she was heading over to blue bottle. i walked over with her and kept her company while she was grabbing some coffee for herself and her dad. it was great to have a chance to catch up with her and such.

after walking her back to her husband, i ran [insert inside joke here for those of you who were to able to witness this] around, devouring my sausage (4505 really knows how to do meat), and getting the rest of the stuff for the visit with the family.

as soon as i got home, i put some pasture raised eggs on boil, made some cashew butter & honey (marshall farms) sandwiches with acme upstairs bread for the kids and then for the adults i had slices of the upstairs bread with slices of a sheep milk basque cheese. to me, this is "fast food". then when the family arrived, we piled into the car....eating everything...and finished it up while parking in front of the asian art museum. as we are members of sfmoma, yesterday was a reciprocal membership day where we were able to get into the asian art museum for for free.

we were able to visit the tail end of the japanese screen exhibit and the kids made their own screens at the craft table. this one is EC's that she left here....probably on accident.


so as i sit here, looking out on the city and its current dreary weather, i am reminded that despite everything that is happening right now, it is the good moments that help ground me.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

defiance


you will not break me.



you may choose to hurt me.

repeatedly.

for motivations that i will never understand nor seek to understand.

for, within me, i will deliberately not understand or fathom why you believe it is ok to do so.

it is not who i have been, who i am, or who i will be.

do what you will. for i know that i cannot control what you decide to do.

yet, i can control how i respond.

cycles end here.

change begins with me.

i refuse to allow your actions turn me into someone that i will not recognize or respect.

perhaps, i should thank you.

so thank you....

for reminding me that i have been through far worse

for reminding me that even as a child, alone, i found a way out through pure defiance, stubbornness, determination, and not listening to anyone tell me that i could not find a way to take care of myself. i forge my own path.

for reminding me that i am no longer a child, not alone, and that defiance of an old soul.....continuously forged and drawn upon....has never gone away.

it is who i am.... integrated, irretrievable, and never to be broken.

bring it on, you fucker, bring it on.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

wanting to forget for a moment

i'm pretty buzzed.

it has been a rough couple of days.

the short story is....

someone is trying to steal my identity. they've been opening credit cards and even opened up a checking and savings account at a bank. police are involved. lawyers are involved. i've done the research. i now have an excel spreadsheet that is tracking everything. i will do what is necessary to cooperate with law enforcement in the various counties. i will make a complaints to the ftc and the ic3.

i suspect that it is the same people (or are colleagues) that did the burglary and check fraud.

this is not something that is going to be resolved quickly. but, i will do what i need to do to protect myself. i am rather stubbornly tenacious and can be very patient.

it still sucks though and i needed to blow off some steam.

i met SN at the attic for bourbon and then we wandered over to heart (see top pic). kitchenette and hapa ramen were offering some tempting morsels at heart this evening.....and i dearly wanted to try the chicken ramen from hapa ramen.


it is a new offering. i hope that it makes it into the regular rotation. the broth was excellent and i love the chicken skin that was used as an accent. we also had an assortment of pickles.
i think we all know how much i love pickles and they definitely know how to do them. the miso, cucumber, and garlic plate (also very good) was from kitchenette...yet, everything else we had that night was from hapa ramen.

the relatively new gal in the hapa ramen kitchen (who i won't name because i don't have her permission to do so...i gotta ask her about that) also had these lovely sweets on the menu. i think she has a nice hand with the spice. she was also the one that did the brown rice pudding at the hapa ramen pop up at bar tartine that i loved so much.

overall, it was just what i needed....to forget the crappiness that is going on right now. i really needed a moment to forget and just hang out with a loved one (btw thanks SN for treating me to dinner!), say "hiya!" to the hapa ramen folks in their kitchen set up, and have some lovely comfort food.

so, thank you everybody, for giving me that moment.

kay, i'm going to go fall into bed.

nite.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

saying goodbye to yesterday

hmmmm.

i may or may not post this. i suppose it depends on how i feel by the time i am finished.

that's right folks, the uber analytical left-brain driven foodie hunter started a posting talking about her "feelings"....my gawd...it isn't enough that there are mass deaths of fish and birds happening throughout the world right now that can inspire thoughts about an impending apocalypse, the foodie hunter is also talking about her feelings.

i'm a rather horrible packer. i often say this to myself when i unpack and sense no rhyme or reason to some of the boxes i go through. as result, i get a few "surprises" during the unpacking process. as i was going through some old papers, there was this folded up piece of memo paper that was stashed among some old financial papers i was shredding. i unfolded it to see if it would go into the "shred" pile or the "recycle" pile.

this is what i saw when i opened it


nope, this is not from the ex-husband. this is from someone else, a very very very long time ago. it wasn't the brit that ran off to become a rock star and was included in the guardian as a pick for "sexiest" people in the bay area either. i'm still snickering about that one. it is amazing how fame will make people seem sexy when they really aren't. i dated and loved that one when he was a total nerd. charming yes. sexy no.

well, this note was from someone entirely different and a very long time ago. i mean, who even borrows CDs anymore? i don't even remember what CDs he was talking about. i doubt they were very important to me.

i'm not really getting to the point am i? or taking a very long time to get there.

this note was a surprise as i thought i had thrown away all of his notes and cards. there was this one card i received where he offered up one of his cars for my use. i remember rolling my eyes about that one and thinking that he never really knew me if he thought for one moment thought i would be ok with something like that. i've been a rather independent spirit since i was born. perhaps overly independent at times. i think that card came after this note and was immediately put in the trash. i responded to none of his notes. the notes and cards were just excuses to get in touch. before you get all "she's-such-a-bitch" on me, i think i should provide some context and why thinking about this note and "that guy" from my past made me reach for the tea that i usually only break out for special occasions.




yeah, i liked him a lot. too much actually. i fully realized that he had the capability for deception and manipulation. this, in itself, isn't bad. some of the people i love the most have the intellectual capability to be incredibly manipulative and evil. yet, they CHOOSE not to. it is called moral fiber. moral fiber is a non-negotiable for you to be on the list of people that the foodie hunter loves. they don't use their smarts for evil...even though they could...and get away with it. this just one of the reasons why i love them so much.

yet, this guy though....the guy that wrote the note....the moral fiber was a bit questionable....which is why the wall around my lump of coal was never scaled and i could never "go there" emotionally with him. my self preservation instinct was in full on "alert" mode....but i still proceeded to enter something with him anyway. as a result, i had some good times and got scalded but not too badly. after we ended, he wanted to keep in contact.

why do they always want to keep in contact?

sigh.

i agreed and tried until i realized that "keep in contact" was a code that translated to "keep you on a string".

ahhhh. this is why they want to keep in contact.

see what i mean about lack of moral fiber? because that isn't cool folks...not at all. to use someone's feelings...to play with....people are not toys. i may be an asshole but i don't deliberately hurt people or play with them.

because it is wrong.

my boss tells me that i can be quite "black and white" on occasion and i must admit...that on this issue, i'm pretty black and white.

once i figured out that he wanted me on string, i told him that we couldn't talk anymore. this is something else about me. if i say i never want to talk to you again, i really mean it....because if i am at that point where i state that quite clearly, it means that i've thought about all of the pros and cons before telling you that i never want to talk to you again. it means i've decided that it isn't worth it. how's that for blunt? yet, the notes and cards kept coming for a long time afterward.

the reason why thinking about this note and that guy had me reaching for the special tea, was because i was getting a thorough ass kicking from my pride for being such a stupid ass....for even trying to stay in contact with him for as long as i did....for not seeing sooner that he was playing me. sometimes i am smart and other times i can be incredibly stupid. sometimes it doesn't matter how long ago something happens, if i've done something stupid, i can and do beat myself up over it.

as i was drinking my tea, i figured that perhaps i needed to say goodbye to it ...and who i was at that time....admit that despite getting away with my heart intact....that yes....i cared for someone i shouldn't have, address how i am feeling about it, be honest and truthful about it, write about it.....and perhaps that will provide some closure.





and then shred that fucking note.

simple sunday


i slept in this morning. it was wonderful. as i rolled out of bed (quite literally actually), i shuffled into my kitchen to have something that would require next to no effort. i think we all have these sort of mornings.

i decided to try these whole wheat scones form sconehenge that i bought from my local market.

one of the few things i miss about living in berkeley is having such easy access to berkeley bowl....where i would buy copious amounts of local veggies, cheese, and a fresh individual scone from sconehenge as treat. so when i saw these packaged sconehenge ones at a market down the street, i thought i'd give them a shot.

fyi, the other things i miss about berkeley are the proximity to those that i love in east bay, guerilla cafe, comic relief, other change of hobbit, twig and a fig, and the thursday berkeley farmers market (i.e., easy access to riverdog farm produce + eggs, octoberfeast pretzel croissants, phoenix pastificio, etc.).

it is a short list.

anyway, it wasn't until i also grabbed the bellwether farms creme fraiche and the frog hollow apricot conserve that i realized i was having a breakfast of locally made goods.

funny how that works out without even realizing it.

as i spooned some creme fraiche and conserves onto the scone and took pictures,


i was also thinking about how i am very much looking forward to the stainless steel table and shelves that will be arriving soon. the kitchen is driving me crazy at the moment. you know that you are old when you get excited about a stainless steel table. i am very excited about this table. i am excited that the kitchen will be more workable for me with once it is here. i have a feeling, dear readers, you'll be seeing a whole lot of the table in this blog. i'm actually looking forward to the table more than i am to the bed that should arrive soon as well. i'm sleeping on a new mattress on the floor...which is why i was able to literally roll out of bed this morning.

then i took my breakfast to my office area, settled in, munching on my scone....



looking out on the city view, and checking out what was happening on the various social media outlets, i was thinking how nice it was....just a simple sunday moment.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

in the company of food


last week, when i was having lunch and coffee at blue bottle with the heart sister and playing catch up......





i was thinking about how there are those that i can be utterly comfortable around and not really think about how much time has passed or is passing as we hang out. also, in those situations, the food does not become the focus of the time together....but rather underscores and highlights the time we spend together.

sometimes, i'll be more into the conversation with the person and i remember the food as being "good" but there is more of a fuzziness to it....rather than a recollection of specific tastes. the meal itself is memorable for the company spent around the meal rather than the food included in the meal.

yet, there have also been instances when i've been at a meal when the food was been supremely delicious and i'll look up and realize that i really don't want to be at that table....because of who is across from it...and dread having to continue the conversation. in those circumstances, i have decided that it just isn't worth it. i'd rather go have delicious food by myself ...than have to sit through a conversation with someone that i don't like. it doesn't matter how good the food is.....because it seems almost disrespectful...to taint that food experience with the veneer of hidden contempt i may have for the other person. i recall just how many times i've had to do this over the years and just shake my head.

once upon a time, in a previous life, taking folks out for dinner was a pretty integral part of the job. many a business deals and alliances are fostered over meals. while this provided me an opportunity to eat at restaurants that i would have never been able to afford to visit on my own on a regular basis, oftentimes, the company i had to keep with those meals tempered the enjoyment of the experience.

when i think back on some of the best meals i have had throughout my life, there is a single constant. it is because of whom i shared the meal with....rather than the food alone.....that made the meals the most memorable and enjoyable. oftentimes, those meals were not ones that i had in restaurants either....but rather meals i shared with loved ones over some home cooking. admittedly, while i know that i am fortunate to know and love those who view food as an integral part of life and many are excellent cooks, there is something about being able to share food with those that you love .....something that is intangible, unquantifiable, and priceless.