Wednesday, February 15, 2012

own

just finished up the last of my morning meetings and am taking a break. i'm noshing on my latest tasty snack.....


which this morning consists of greek yogurt with maple syrup mixed thoroughly and then topped with some grated candied citrus peel + chili (i.e., taking a piece of dobashi-beni satsuma mandarin peel from june taylor and a dried pulla chili from tierra vegetables and then using a microplane grater) and a pinch of cinnamon in the middle (i grind small batches of bark/sticks at a time and keep in my pantry).


simple but effective.

tasty.

perfect for my mood.

before i dive into this work project that will be having my full attention over the next few hours, i wanted to take a moment to write a bit about something that has been on my mind for quite some time.

basically, i wanted to write about owning who you are and what you want.

once upon a time, when i was a neophyte....i had this unwavering belief that people will say what they want and take responsibility for who they are. then, as time went on.....i realized that people will often not say what they want and even more confusing....they will say the want something but it won't be what they really want...because they can't or won't accept who they are....or take responsibility for it. this isn't always done from a place of malice or deception.

it just happens more often then not.

when i was a wee neophyte, i didn't realize people didn't take responsibility for who they are and what they wanted..... because i was always a very stubbornly strong personality (aka a total shit) and when i wanted to learn, discover, explore, and grow...i took steps on my own to make sure that happened....and i really didn't care if supposed friends, queen bees, or family approved. oftentimes, when they didn't approve and try to get me to do things "their way"....i would counter with some very pointed observations that were quite unsettling coming from a little kid. punishments, maneuverings, or various nasty things that children will do to each other ended up strengthening my resolve, my level of stubbornness, and comfort with who i was...and who i am.

as you can imagine, childhood was quite fascinating experience.

as i grew older, i learned to keep my mouth shut about the things i observed in other people...because the majority of people really don't want to know....they really don't.....which is why i don't volunteer observations unless people ask me directly....and as some loved ones have recently pointed out...you really do have to ask the right kind of questions when you do ask.

yet, while i may be relatively gentle with loved ones....when it comes to myself i am not gentle. there is no one that will push me harder than i push myself. there is no one that has higher expectations for me than me. there is no one that will be more critical of me than me. for better or worse, i have always seen me. i know my weaknesses, my strengths, and the areas that i want to grow in....the areas that i need to grow in. i know...and have always known....to stop growing and learning is not what i want and is not me. for me, life is too short to not learn and discover as much as possible and just because someone else doesn't think something is possible "because it hasn't been done before" or "because it has always been done this way"....doesn't mean that they are right.

it means that they can't see what isn't right there or that they are scared to.

if i had stopped myself each time i came across someone that has said something "wasn't possible" to me in my lifetime, i wouldn't be where i am now....i wouldn't have experienced what i have.....i wouldn't have loved who i have.....i wouldn't have the passions i have.....i wouldn't have lived.....and i wouldn't be excited about the possibilities that life still has to offer.

admittedly, i can point to rather pivotal moments in my life when someone or a group of someones has said that i couldn't do something because it didn't fit into a "box" or some preconceived notion of theirs.....me and my epically stubborn prideful self wasn't very gentle about showing them how wrong they were....and then...ummmm...providing succinct summary bullet points afterwards.

yet, that isn't the case for everyone.

there are many people that will say that they want things...whether it be a lifestyle, types of love affairs,
careers, or whatnot....that they really don't want. they will say they want these things because they want a sense of belonging to what everyone else is doing.....or they want approval from their social group. they will say they want these things because they think it is what they should want. they may also say that they want these things because it is the path of least resistance ....and it means not taking a closer and deeper look at who they really are. then, they....in turn....will pressure others to do the same...to affirm their choices....and makes them feel better about themselves.

it is difficult to see who you really are and take ownership for it.

it means conflict, doubt, fear, potential multiple levels of disapproval, and heart break. yet, it also means amazing experiences filled with joy, supreme satisfaction, and passion. it means having a level of confidence that can never be given to you....but always earnable and obtainable.

always.

many times, when i see people that seek to change, maneuver, or influence others in a detrimental manner ...it stems from a rather deep seated unhappiness within themselves and where they are in their lives. they are living a life of self-deception and want others to do the same to make them feel better about their own choices.

those are the times when i just shake my head and sigh....and mumble something about how this is reason 10,015 of why i shouldn't be around people.

they would be a lot happier and a lot less evil if they just owned up to who they are, what they want, what they are lacking in their lives, and pursued ways to make change in themselves.

i do think that they are forgetting that the life that they are living is a choice....or a series of choices. i also think that if they aren't going to take responsibility for it...they should stop whining about their lives, where they are, and longing for some fantasy "what if" life. i think the first step towards change is truly seeing who you are, where you are, and being honest about where you want to be.

basically, i think you should own who you are.

this is neither a new or revolutionary concept.

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