Thursday, March 15, 2012

after midnight

hmmmm. so last night....or rather....earlier this morning, i was feeling restless. it was well after midnight and wasn't able to sleep. sometimes that happens. i'm familiar with what i need to do when that happens. i got up, worked on some of my pics of shots.....

i had taken around the city over the past few weeks...

and wrote a bit until whatever what was needed to be addressed was addressed. now, after a few hours sleep and work at the job, i think i know why.

last night i went with some friends to a showing at the sfiaaff and one of the filmmakers mentioned something about people with day jobs taking ownership of being filmmakers or artists. the implication being that the day job was something to fund the true identity of being an artist. i could tell that message resonated with quite a few people in the room. i could definitely see how that would resonate with some people that need to hear that.

well, for me...i disagree. or i disagree with the implication. why does it have to be either or? why does it have to be one thing and not another? why does it have to be defined by these parameters? or to the point...why does my sense of identity of who i am have to be predefined by someone else?

i get that some people need that kind of predefined single aspect to focus on....almost like a box that they can comfortably fit into. a label that they can rally behind. or an identity that they can fit into.

yet, it is not for me. i prefer to have a life where i pursue multiple aspects and passions to create a life and an they are my life and my identity. i really don't care if other people don't agree or don't get it.

in the wee hours of the morning though, i was a lot less tempered on the whole thing. as i read through what i wrote this morning, i see a lot of raw annoyance.

this is what i wrote....

title: i am not a writer.

i write.

i write because i cannot not write. i write because not to write leaves me restless. i write because not to write leaves me with simultaneous contradictory paradoxical feelings of a nagging loss and being weighted by things i cannot see, touch, hear, or taste.

i always write. i write in public. i write in private. i write even when i do not have a pen in my hand or my fingers on a keyboard. i write in my head while i stand.....ride the bus.....walk up a flight of stairs....any moment and every moment. it doesn't matter.

i write the moment and every moment.

i write not for public approval. i write not for an audience. i write because when i write i am able to be joyously selfish. i write what i want with no compromises. i write because doesn't matter if i am good or not. i write to just write. there is no failure nor success. there is only this intangible high and unquantifiable cathartic release that lulls me.

i am not a writer because to be a writer means to be beholden to expectations of an audience. i am not a writer because to be a writer invites judgment, evaluations, and opinions of others that i'm just not interested in being aware of.

i write and i am not a writer.

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