Saturday, March 24, 2012

different choices

it doesn't escape my notice that i've been writing more often here. it seems i've been getting into the habit of writing a bit here before i head to sleep. i don't know how long i'll be doing this for....yet....for is working for me.

the rains have started again within san francisco. when i woke up this morning, i made my way to the farmers market at the sf ferry building despite the rain. i'm usually torn on rainy days. there is a not so small part of me that would prefer to stay under the covers and read a book. then there is another part of me that thinks that during rainy is even more important to go to farmers markets to support vendors that are are cold in the rain and likely having significantly less customers than a usual market day.

so i went.

as i rode muni, the weather seemed appropriate for some of my thoughts. a friend's grandmother passed away recently and found out that he was on his way to the funeral this morning. earlier, i remember when he told me and later i saw his beautiful son come up....and i felt a wave of empathetic sadness....about new additions to the family and the loss.

when i arrived to market, it was still overcast, and the rain was a drizzle. i was tuning out quite a bit with my ipod, mapping out a plan of which vendors to visit first. then as i was walking toward a group of vendors i noticed someone new in one of the regular spots. then i paused. because the "new" person in one of the regular spots was actually not "new" to me. it was someone i knew in a former life. i pretty much referred to her as X's crazy girlfriend and later X's crazy ex-girlfriend. i remember this one time, in the former life, when she gave me a plate of these baked goods she created. they were a bribe. there was much ill motivation behind that plate. goodness knows how much she had played puppet master with his emotions by then. it is all a bit of a blur. yet, i do remember quite distinctly that i wished that she would just treat him better....because he deserved to be treated better...and it didn't make sense to me that someone could treat someone that they said they cared about that way. i took a bite of one of the baked goods because he was expecting me to. i waited until he left my office to take care of the baked goods. neither he nor she knew that i threw them away.

i can be quite obstinate.

well, back to this morning.....i went through market picking up the things i needed. when i arrived home, i decided to blow off work for today. i really wasn't in the mood. i ended up doing things that i'd been putting off in and around my place....and made some plans to hang out with friends in the evening instead. then i made myself a lunch of some random things i had in my fridge which included some pain d'epi bread from acme, some manchego cheese, pickles from wing wings, prosciutto from boccalone, and black abada dates.

i snacked on this while i was organizing, cleaning, and such around my place before hanging out with friends. sometimes when i process things i need to be physically moving.....and cleaning and organizing is a good way to go about it.

i was thinking of how the time that we so short. the friend's grandmother passing away was a keen reminder of this.

if we are lucky, we discover and connect with people that we care for.

yes, friendships, relationships, lovers, and connections may evolve, change, or end......yet, when i remember moments of those that i no longer have present connections with.....i don't have regrets about how i've interacted with them. i may have regrets about wishing that i could have been wise enough to avoid certain situations....but i don't have any regrets about what i've said or i have not deliberately nor intentionally inflicted any harm.

this is extraordinarily important to me.

i'd rather walk away or completely let go......then hurt someone that i care for. i have also walked away...and at times....forced the issue of having someone let me go when i thought someone was deliberately or intentionally trying to hurt me.

yet it wasn't easy and sometimes it took longer than i would have liked.

i don't know if this is coming out right....if it is being written in the way that communicates what i'm trying to say.

i guess i'm trying to say is that i hope to cherish the moments with those i care for...... and hope that they know that i care for them in those moments....whether those moments be every week, few months, or maybe once a year or so.

i wish that people would treat each other with more care and respect....especially those that they say that they care for. i know it is difficult to not carry over past bad experiences into the present. i know that our experiences help shape who we are. yet, i also know that our choices define us. people can choose to carry forward, repeat, and propagate those bad past experiences. or people can choose to embrace those bad experiences, acknowledge how it has defined us, and make distinctly different choices.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that there is always a choice in how we decide to treat those we care for.

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