Sunday, April 8, 2012

processing


 
i haven't written here for a while. 


i've been processing. 




i've also been doing things to make my place seem more like a home rather than a place i happen to work or sleep. i have a feeling that the work i've been doing on my place is also a part of the processing.


things have been challenging in a certain aspect of my life. there were many moments when i wondered if doing the right thing was really the right thing to do. usually, i would wonder this when i would take extremely hot showers and wonder why people didn't see what i saw.....someone who abused their position, someone who would deliberately manipulate people into situations that were not beneficial to them, someone who would deliberately creating pseudo-dependencies that would undermine they very people that they would be declaring that they would be helping, someone whose ease with false smiles that held very ill intentions made me wonder about their threshold for a basic level of humanity. 


i saw this person immediately for who and what they were....and spent a considerable amount of time with preempting and counter maneuvering. sometimes it worked. sometimes it didn't. yet, i stayed upon the ethical path because i am still me.....and why o' why would i want to take the easy path for anything when i could make it 200% more difficult for myself? sigh.  also, despite my frustration, i didn't say anything.....and it has been fascinating seeing them become marginalized and their power base dwindle. 


now they are no longer an issue.




huh.


i've also come to realize that i have advocates that i never expected to have. i didn't realize that despite my not saying anything....that there were people observing....and while it may have taken folks a while....they finally realized what this person was doing. hence the diminishing of their power base. i never once asked for help. frankly, i never asked for help because i didn't think i would get it. i didn't expect it. i didn't resent anyone for it. sometimes, that is just the way politics are played. i deal with it, work around it, and ensure that things are always moving forward. i'm pretty practical. i also didn't change my interactions with anyone else because of it. i sure as hell did not fuck anyone over because they wanted me to. 


oh hell no. 


so now....now....i'm not certain what is going to happen. there is a part of me that doesn't want to be too hopeful because i don't know what is going to happen and want to ensure that i am limber enough to deal with whatever it may be. 


we'll see what happens.

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