Monday, June 25, 2012

less of an asshole. maybe.

i think i may have found a couple of new (to me) work spots. thank goodness. i'm currently working from one of them now and am taking a quick break. i also think that i may keep to myself where these places are for a while. i'm finding SF is getting smaller and smaller every day....and anonymity is becoming more challenging to maintain. there is something odd about getting an askew glance of recognition or speculation. part of me thinks i should have a rotating flashing LCD screen that reads something like "i'm not in the industry", "you really don't know who i am", or "i'm not a groupie". i know that there are industry folks that think i'm kind of an asshole because if i happen to be with homies who are speaking to them, i don't say anything. the more i learn about the industry, the more aware i become of certain group of individuals who lack self esteem and seek to obtain self esteem vicariously through flirtations with cooks. it would be different if i was a cook. it would be different if i had a penis. but i'm not a cook...and let me do a quick check...yup....still no penis and no desire to grow or surgically attach one. so it makes a big difference in perception. 

yeah, i'm going to own that in an ideal world i wouldn't care how i am perceived. yet, in this instance, i have no desire to be branded or labeled as a whore. having worked in male dominated fields for my entire work life, i have seen the consequences of being labeled as such....and the battles that happen because of it. 

yeah, i'm going to own that if i had a choice between being perceived as an asshole or a whore, i'm going to pick the asshole...every single time. i'm also going to own that one of my major faults is....pride. i have more pride than a dozen people should have....much less someone as tiny as i am. one of the other major faults of mine is stubbornness. so when you put both of those things get something where loved ones get kinda exasperated with me. 

like recently when i got on rant about it with a homie and how i just don't have respect for someone that uses sex to get what they want. his calm response?  "i don't think you should have respect for them." 

yeah, i know i can be a trial sometimes.

the groupie archetype is not a new phenomenon and nor is it something that only occurs in the food industry. in a previous life, i had the opportunity to work on projects with some of the most brilliant distinguished and principal engineers.....or folks that just went public/acquired/whatever and happened to be the latest "it" darling.....and even they had groupies. i'd try to keep the eyeball rolling to a minimum when colleagues/friends were dealing with them....then we'd go out for dinner where we'd discuss business as well as my recommendations on where to take their wives for a night out in san francisco, paris, or wherever. i know some of them enjoyed the attention immensely. i know some were embarrassed by it. i know some were confused by it. i know some were angered by it. i knew....because we worked so closely it impacted some of their relationships with their significant others. 

so it is all of this historical knowledge that is floating around in my over analytical brain that i carry over with me when i interact with industry folks. after repeated scoldings from industry friends, i'm trying to be less of an asshole.....but i have a feeling that it is going to take a while.  

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