Wednesday, March 28, 2012

hanging out last night at the hapa ramen popup at wing wings


  
hmmmm, currently taking a break from work. i purchased a ticket to attend the commonwealth club event tonight that featured st. george spirits....but i ended up not leaving my place today. i'm a wee bit nervous about some of my early morning meetings tomorrow and the work that needs to be completed by the end of the quarter (aka tomorrow and friday). i'm not bitter about missing the event though....there were things that needed to be done and i made a choice. i purchased the ticket a while ago but i decided to spend any free time i had with friends over the weekend and also with hapa at the wing wings popup on tuesday night.

on tuesday night, the rain was coming down quite a bit. once work was at a point where i could step away, i texted sus and richie to let them know that i would be taking off soon and to see if i should pick up anything. pretty much the response was something to eat for the family meal....so i went to a local store to obtain an assortment of nibbles. after i picked out various breads, cheeses, olives, dates, salumi, and such that i thought would appeal to the crew, i caught a cab (it was raining...and muni would have likely taken FOREVER) to the lower haight. when i arrived at the popup, it had already been going for quite some time.


as i set up a section with the family meal goodies, richie made me a dish he was running on the menu that night....which was stir fried snow peas with cured back fat, thai chilies, garlic, and radishes. the backfat provided a lovely savory heartiness to it...and the snow peas were crispy with a hint of sweetness....and the garlic and chili added a nice warmth.


sus then made me a pimped out version of the spicy chicken ramen that she was running on the menu. i'd been looking forward to this for a few days now and unsurprisingly, enjoyed it quite a bit.





while i was stuffing my face and service was happening, sus and richie told me how the next popups were going to concentrate on non ramen hapa food. i said in between bites that i thought this would be a great idea.

i think most folks don't realize that the restaurant on fillmore off of geary is going to be called hapa and not hapa ramen.

the stand at the ferry building will be hapa ramen.....but the restaurant will be called hapa.

while folks that attended bar tartine popups may have had hapa non-ramen offerings such as the in-house charcuterie boards, sardines, foie, octopus, crab, uni, and various lovely dishes that feature amazing local seasonal produce....ramen has always been on the menu. perhaps, doing a couple of popups that feature solely the non-ramen offerings will reinforce the range of food that will be at hapa within the general public. i'm pretty excited about this as their range of techniques and chosen flavor profiles are just a couple of aspects that sets them apart. yet, i'm also aware that i'm in a bit of unique position because i'm able to observe their range not just from the popups, but also at various events they have done....and well, because i'm able to eat the food that they cook on their days off.

yes, they cook on their days off.

well, methinks it is time to head to bed....i'm going to need some sleep before the early morning meetings.

until later....


Sunday, March 25, 2012

pearl's deluxe burgers


one of the things i noticed about a couple of my visits to pearl's deluxe burgers on market street was how friendly everyone is. the staff is friendly and the customers are friendly as well. the place is also spotless. the reason why i bring this up is that given the corner it is on....inside pearl's is a remarkable difference to the grime one sees just outside.

on my first visit, one of the friendly fellow patrons started up a conversation about the neighborhood, how often he goes to pearl's and was surprised that i had traveled specifically to this spot to try pearl's. at the time, i said that i was curious about it since it opened so that i wanted to make a special trip. which is true. yet, i also wanted to see how a place on this particular corner was doing. i still have to visit show dogs across the street which i'm certain has some similar things that they must deal with as well. this corner is really on the edge where so many different aspects of sf meet. there will also be a further change to this area once some highly well known and well employed technology organizations move in with their headquarters within a couple of blocks. the not so small nerdy part of me wants to observe the transition and change of this neighborhood.

my second visit to pearl's was last week. the visits were well spaced apart. again i noticed how the staff were on top of everything and how friendly they were. the level of service at pearl's is interesting. it definitely exceeds many places in the city with higher price points. on my second visit i bought a mini (as in 1/4 burger) spicy sly.....


with a side of springs (sweet potatoes + onion rings)....


as i was noshing, looking around the restaurant, outside of the window at the neighborhood.... i was thinking about how very san francisco this spot was. folks from many different san francisco subcultures eat here. there are folks from the neighborhood, folks that they looked like they had office jobs in the financial district, families, and such....all different backgrounds and ethnicities...many times sitting at the same tables. i observed the camaraderie and laughter of folks that walked by and regulars with the staff.

i get why people come here. they've created a space that is a part of the community...and is community.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

different choices


it doesn't escape my notice that i've been writing more often here. it seems i've been getting into the habit of writing a bit here before i head to sleep. i don't know how long i'll be doing this for....yet....for now....it is working for me.

the rains have started again within san francisco. when i woke up this morning, i made my way to the farmers market at the sf ferry building despite the rain. i'm usually torn on rainy days. there is a not so small part of me that would prefer to stay under the covers and read a book. then there is another part of me that thinks that during rainy days....it is even more important to go to farmers markets to support vendors that are are cold in the rain and likely having significantly less customers than a usual market day.

so i went.

as i rode muni, the weather seemed appropriate for some of my thoughts. a friend's grandmother passed away recently and found out that he was on his way to the funeral this morning. earlier, i remember when he told me and later i saw his beautiful son come up....and i felt a wave of empathetic sadness....about new additions to the family and the loss.

when i arrived to market, it was still overcast, and the rain was a drizzle. i was tuning out quite a bit with my ipod, mapping out a plan of which vendors to visit first. then as i was walking toward a group of vendors i noticed someone new in one of the regular spots. then i paused. because the "new" person in one of the regular spots was actually not "new" to me. it was someone i knew in a former life. i pretty much referred to her as X's crazy girlfriend and later X's crazy ex-girlfriend. i remember this one time, in the former life, when she gave me a plate of these baked goods she created. they were a bribe. there was much ill motivation behind that plate. goodness knows how much she had played puppet master with his emotions by then. it is all a bit of a blur. yet, i do remember quite distinctly that i wished that she would just treat him better....because he deserved to be treated better...and it didn't make sense to me that someone could treat someone that they said they cared about that way. i took a bite of one of the baked goods because he was expecting me to. i waited until he left my office to take care of the baked goods. neither he nor she knew that i threw them away.

i can be quite obstinate.

well, back to this morning.....i went through market picking up the things i needed. when i arrived home, i decided to blow off work for today. i really wasn't in the mood. i ended up doing things that i'd been putting off in and around my place....and made some plans to hang out with friends in the evening instead. then i made myself a lunch of some random things i had in my fridge which included some pain d'epi bread from acme, some manchego cheese, pickles from wing wings, prosciutto from boccalone, and black abada dates.



i snacked on this while i was organizing, cleaning, and such around my place before hanging out with friends. sometimes when i process things i need to be physically moving.....and cleaning and organizing is a good way to go about it.

i was thinking of how the time that we have....is so short. the friend's grandmother passing away was a keen reminder of this.

if we are lucky, we discover and connect with people that we care for.

yes, friendships, relationships, lovers, and connections may evolve, change, or end......yet, when i remember moments of those that i no longer have present connections with.....i don't have regrets about how i've interacted with them. i may have regrets about wishing that i could have been wise enough to avoid certain situations....but i don't have any regrets about what i've said or acted....as i have not deliberately nor intentionally inflicted any harm.

this is extraordinarily important to me.

i'd rather walk away or completely let go......then hurt someone that i care for. i have also walked away...and at times....forced the issue of having someone let me go when i thought someone was deliberately or intentionally trying to hurt me.

yet it wasn't easy and sometimes it took longer than i would have liked.

i don't know if this is coming out right....if it is being written in the way that communicates what i'm trying to say.

i guess i'm trying to say is that i hope to cherish the moments with those i care for...... and hope that they know that i care for them in those moments....whether those moments be every week, few months, or maybe once a year or so.

i wish that people would treat each other with more care and respect....especially those that they say that they care for. i know it is difficult to not carry over past bad experiences into the present. i know that our experiences help shape who we are. yet, i also know that our choices define us. people can choose to carry forward, repeat, and propagate those bad past experiences. or people can choose to embrace those bad experiences, acknowledge how it has defined us, and make distinctly different choices.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that there is always a choice in how we decide to treat those we care for.

Friday, March 23, 2012

richie writes for chow


i'm not certain why i decided to buy flower buds last night. it has been years since i've purchased flowers. it was an impulse buy that i didn't ponder very deeply as it was something i just reached for while getting a couple of staples at my local store. this morning when i awoke, the flowers had come into bloom. it was lovely to be able to look at such color for the first few hours of the work day.


after my slew of morning meetings and such, i decided to take a couple of pics....and just have a quiet moment to appreciate the beauty and vibrant grace of the flowers.


sometimes when an aspect of life isn't as lovely as it could be, it helps to be around those that remind you that one aspect of life.....is just that....a single aspect of it. as i look through the pics now and having just finished one of the critical projects....i'm taking a deep breath at a cafe in hayes valley....just taking a moment to breathe a bit....and write a bit.

yesterday, my break consisted of visiting with hapa folks in the stand before things got busy....just checking in, touching base, planning potential future outings with sus and mrs. hapa ramen, etc. i also had a chance to chat with richie while he was prepping and cooking fresh potato chips with two types of seasoning..... their in-house tasso spice and his take on an "everything bagel" spice.



we hadn't had a chance to speak in person since his piece for chow was published and during our catch up, i was reminded of why richie is a very good storyteller.....which unsurprisingly translates well into his writing. admittedly, i was able to have a sneak peek of his piece for chow before it was published and i was (and still am) very happy to see that he is writing again. he will be writing a series of pieces for chow and i admit i was also proud to see how well received his piece was by the local food community via social media. the first day it went live online, i must have tweeted about it a half a dozen times and posted a link to my now defunct google plus page.

like many people, i first became acquainted with richie's storytelling abilities on his linecook blog a few years ago. then, when a friend started working with richie at a restaurant, i didn't bring up how she'd be working with this guy that writes this cool blog...because i knew that she doesn't care about sort of thing (and still doesn't) and sf is such a small town. despite them working together, i never brought it up. for years. then he leaves the restaurant to start up hapa ramen and i have his food for the first time.....and i discover that i really love it. i was surprised and not surprised. just because i liked the blog doesn't mean i expected to like his food....but i did. all during this time, i still read the blog, followed him on twitter, listened to the podcasts, but never thought for a moment that we would ever be interacting in the future.

well, i was totally wrong.

exactly how wrong i was has been pretty well documented in this blog over the past couple of years....and yes...i've said so (and written before) but many thanks homie for your patience with me and my social awkwardness during those first few months. while i may have written snippets and stories about my experiences with hapa over the past couple of years....those are my experiences. i don't write the stories that i believe belong to other people..... and one day....i hope to read the story of hapa from richie. it will be a great read.

i enjoy reading richie's writing....whether it be the blog or other pieces he has done... because richie is a good storyteller with a distinctive voice....a voice that is frank, candid, and well...provoking....in a very thoughtful way. when richie writes.... he puts himself out there and it shows. unlike me, who is cloaked behind the alias that is foodie hunter, richie is out in the open with who he is, what he looks like, and where you can find him. i'm just glad that folks can now find him....or his writing....on chow.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

embed


winding down for the day. i'm glad that it has been pretty productive. methinks that sometimes it helps to be focused and productive. last night, i ended up taking an evening break and grabbing a bite to eat at the bar at the boxing room in hayes valley. they have quite an extensive amount of bar seating there. i remember how much i could feel my mood lift when i was only a block away from the boxing room. looking back on the seemingly impromptu decision to go to boxing room for dinner.....methinks it was linked to my looking through my first cookbook earlier.



this was the first cook book i bought for myself when i was a kid.


i came across it in a used bookstore and just knew it was meant for me. it has been with me ever since.


it is funny how certain things embed themselves in our subconscious without even realizing it and how it impacts our decisions. so, there i was....at the boxing room. i pretty much knew what i was going to order. i knew that i wanted to have a dinner of sides with some abita.


you know how we all have certain tastes that we affiliate with a place? for me, abita is one of those tastes that always makes me think of new orleans. my making meals out of sides is also not a "new to me" sort of thing. when i went into henry's soul food....that is exactly what i would do. one of my favorite memories of new orleans is of me eating a bunch of sides from henry's soul food while sitting in audubon park. alas, henry's soul food is now closed and it is unlikely i will be visiting new orleans for quite some time. good thing that the boxing room in hayes valley is pretty easy for me to get to.

for my dinner, i ordered the greens, red beans + sausage, dirty rice, and cornbread muffins. it was all supremely delicious and there was something amusing about having my dinner in little cast iron pots and pans. it was like i was having a dinner of tapas or new orleans style dim sum. the greens were succulent, savory, and tender. the cornbread muffins were moist with a hint of sweetness.


the red beans + sausage hearty meaty salty goodness.


the dirty rice...i was cheating a bit because i already knew that i liked this from them as i fell for their version of this the last time i visited. it is a lot of food. i totally over indulged myself but it was completely worth it. i wouldn't be surprised if i found myself doing the exact same thing again.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

acknowledgement


i know that it is going to be a late night ahead and there are things that i need to get done. just taking a break away from everything ....to see if i can return to the right space to get things done.

sometimes......sometimes doing the right thing isn't the most pleasant path to take. i was reminded today that the ethical path is sometimes a rather unpleasant path to take, especially when there are those that are looking for instant gratification or don't really care who else a particular decision negatively impacts....and when you....or in this case i.....stand firm because it is the right thing to do. yet, while i was standing firm......i knew full well that they were going to seek to make me pay for going against them.

....and sure enough.....they did. they didn't even wait that long. i suppose they couldn't wait.

an obvious abuse of power and position. they are rather predictable in their behavior....it is almost comical how predictable they are in their need to lash out and seek revenge for losing face.

i wonder if they really are wondering why their power base is dwindling and why they are becoming marginalized.

perhaps they need to do a bit of self reflection.

because no matter how "charming" they may try to be....there is only so long that one can withhold that deceptive surface and attempt to leverage a facade of insincere pseudo friendliness to get what they want. at some point, people realize when they don't do what they say they will, that a smile hides ill intentions, and they cannot lose a reputation that they never had or built.

again, an indication of their short term thinking.

they should have realized that the only power you have over someone is the power that they give you.

really and truly.

i knew full well what they were going to do to me for not going along with them but i did it anyway.

yet, it doesn't make the interactions with the consequences any more pleasant or easier to deal with. in a sense, i am also annoyed at myself....for feeling tainted by the experience. a taint that i can't seem to wash off. again....the only power they have over me is the power i give them. this is why i'm annoyed at myself for feeling tainted.

it is unpleasant. the confrontation. the games. the consequences. i don't think it is a good idea to underestimate the unpleasantness of it all. i understand why many people avoid it ...i understand why many people will bend or go along with these sort of people.

yet, i also understand why i don't and where it stems from. there is nothing that they can do to me that is worse than what i've already been through in my lifetime and from that...i know that is where my confidence comes from.

it is a bit of overall perspective.

as i took a break away from my place to take a walk, grab some coffee, and write about it here....it feels a bit better....as if the taint is being diluted and is dissipating. perhaps that is what i needed....to just take a break, acknowledge that it just sucks, gain some perspective, and realize that i know that i'll deal with it as it comes.

botched


yeah. it is about 1:30 am. i just finished my "work day" and am winding down for the evening. i sense quite a few similar days like this one until the end of march...which is naturally....the end of the quarter. i didn't leave my place today and found myself quite distracted while i made myself a lunch of egg in a hole. sometimes it isn't such a good idea to be distracted while making lunch as i botched it up.

oh yes i did. something as simple as egg in a hole. i suppose i'm sharing this with you as it doesn't always work out ....but oh well.

i knew how it started. it started with my slicing off a way too thick slice of pain de mie. then i thought, well, i'll just use two eggs.



yeah, the eggs i used where on the smaller side.

then i thought (after i already started) ...."hey...what about if i put in some of the brillat savarin with truffles i have in the fridge?"


i probably should have tried to have everything be the relatively same temperature as well....as opposed to cold eggs and room temp bread....and then have it cooled down some more when i put cold cheese in the hole. i should probably have had the pan be hotter as well when i started.

see what i mean by being distracted by work while trying to make lunch? even a very simple lunch.


sigh.... while i didn't look the way i imagined it would....and should have....it still tasted good.
the brown bits you see in the pic are the super finely minced truffles....which were a lovely addition. i'm also extremely glad that i didn't overcook the yolks....but i still botched it though.

it was actually a pretty decadent lunch.

well, methinks it is time for bed.

nite.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

bread. butter. sugar.

i'm procrastinating. there are a few things that i know that i should be getting my head into right now for work....but i'm not really feeling like it. it is such a lovely sunday afternoon. so i'm thinking if i take some time to write a posting and ogle over some pics i've taken, i'll be able to be more stern with myself and ignore the sunny spring like day in san francisco and delve into what needs to be done for work.

there is a snack that i've had since i was a kid that consisted of a vietnamese baguette, butter, and sugar. i don't know if there is a name for it. it is something that my mom made for me when i was a kid and didn't realize that other folks had it growing up until i saw it briefly appear on a vietnamese restaurant menu for brunch as a side dish. i also saw variations of bread, soft butter, and sugar at various bakeries in the mission....and remember thinking that bread, butter, sugar....must be one of the simple comfort foods for many cultures. yet, i never varied from how i made it for myself... some type of baguette (rustic french, pain d'epi, etc.), butter, and sugar....that is until a couple of days ago.

it is funny how cookbooks or what we read have an impact upon us. i finished reading through mission street food by myint and leibowitz recently....which is a great read btw...and there was this recipe for toast crunch which included buttering both sides of thick slices of bread, coating it with sugar, and then using a torch to create a hardened sugar crust. maybe someday i'll try that...but i think what stayed in my subconscious was buttering both sides, then toasting it, and then adding sugar.....so when i was at market yesterday morning, i saw one of the bakers at acme loading up some sweet loafs on the shelf. i never noticed them before. when i am at acme, i get into my mode of my usual bread purchases (i.e., rustic baguette, upstairs bread, and the epi) and honestly don't do a lot of looking at other bread options when i'm in my "market mode". then i thought...what if i made some sugared butter bread with thick slices of that sweet loaf?


so i did.


when i arrived home and decided to make the sugared toast. i looked at the loaf and thought how my mother would not approve. she pretty much thought soft white loaf breads were crap...which admittedly...the ones that she was thinking about specifically are the "wonder" breads and the like for. acme bread is not wonder bread. one day, i will write a story about how bread can be used as metaphor of a silent yet dangerous war in a multicultural household.

yet, not today.

today, i just want to write about how i came about making spicy sugary buttery toast that i enjoyed quite a bit.

so, i took the sweet loaf and sliced off a couple of thick slices. i kept marveling at how soft and spongy it was and the lack of crust. admittedly, i kept poking at it. then, i heavily buttered both sides with soft sorta melty straus butter that i nuked in the microwave earlier. then i toasted it. while it was toasting, i prepped my sugar.

these days, i have various kinds of sugars in my pantry. while a common item i have in my pantry is vanilla sugar (just mixing vanilla bean and baker's sugar), i now also have other flavored sugars which just include mixing an aromatic ingredient like coffee beans, uk black tea, or whole chilies with baker's sugar. my intention is to use them as sugar rims for cocktails to pair with some of the infused whiskeys i made and for anything else i feel like playing with. so i decided to take some of the vanilla sugar and mix it with some ground organic cayenne to add to my toast.



it turned out to be a pretty decadent breakfast....all of that spongy white bread soaking up all of that butter...and the super fine spicy vanilla sugar in all of the nooks and crannies.


after i took a bite, i thought...this is rather great in a "this-is-obviously-not-something-to-eat-everyday-but-if-i-could-get-away-with-it-i-would" kind of way.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

to hyang in the inner richmond


last night, sus had access to a car so we were rather enthusiastic about potential places we could go in a car. it was also storming as well. i came up with way out in the boonies suggestions like outerlands....especially since the judah line is running modified service (aka no trains just buses) after 7 on fridays. she pointed out that there would probably still be lines. then i was like, "isn't there some really good korean place in the outer richmond or something?" then she was like...what about that korean place that anthony bourdain and chris cosentino went on layover? so i looked it up on my phone while she was driving. we were both surprised that to hyang was in the inner richmond...which isn't that far out there. yet, we decided to give it a shot and it was serendipitous because we found parking mere steps away from the place.

there are quite a lot of options on the menu.


the folks were really nice. the gentleman that works there was keen on keeping us well stocked with kimchi and pickles.


it should surprise no one that i have a deep and ongoing passion for the consumption of pickles. we ended up ordering braised oxtail, spicy intestines, and a spicy codfish tofu soup....


with some beer for us to sip on.


i thought it was funny that sus recommended this place....although she hasn't seen the layover episode yet. here is the segment of the episode....if you start at mark 11:23....you'll see coverage of the place we went to last night.


Friday, March 16, 2012

shake my head


over my coffee this morning, i was thinking about last night.

last night, the deliciously wicked godfather and i caught up with each other over dinner at sebo. i was pretty surprised that he'd never been before. we ordered the omakase as well as an additional dish of grilled squid. i've ordered the omakase each time i've visited sebo and have never been disappointed. it was a treat to be able to introduce him sebo and see how much he enjoyed it.

as we were noshing our beautiful fresh lovely food, he was asking me how "the food stuff" is going. i mentioned how the blog will be turning four years old on march 19th. then he asked, "how long has it been now?" i really didn't need any clarification for that question. yet, i had to take a moment to really think about it. it has been a bit over four years since the relationship ended between B and myself and a bit over three years since the divorce was finalized. then the godfather said how much happier i seem now than i was when B and i were together.

i couldn't help but give a rather wide cheeky grin at that...because it is true.

then, in order to preempt the upcoming lecture that i knew as coming (aka probing about who i was dating and whatnot), i mentioned that i had some rather odd observations about single people in san francisco that i really had a difficult time understanding. i thought i'd share a few here and then some....because i doubt i am on the only one that has identified these things.

first, there are the "catch and release" games. the uber flirting and actually hanging out/dating for the sake of gaining attention of the intended person but there is no real interest there. none. these are equal opportunity games. both men and women do this. both straight and gay. it appears that the main motivation is to have the other party be interested even though there is no intent for the interest to be returned. it is like the person likes to collect attention or it gives them a sense of power because they got someone to care about them while caring less.
yeah, i don't get it....seems like a whole lot of work, a waste of time, and well...just not very nice.

second, there are the "i-like-you-but-i'm-going-to-pretend-that-i-don't-like-you" games. again, these are equal opportunity games as well. it is like they believe the only way to get the other person's attention is to treat them poorly. i don't get these games either. i especially find myself stupefied when i see two people doing this game and i know that they like each other.

third, there are the texting interactions, "hanging out", dating, or whatever ambiguous term they decide to label it...with people they don't like. i mean, really don't like...as in actively not enjoying their company...or finding the company distasteful. my guess on this one is that it easier to have fuck buddy that you don't really like in order to keep it a sex-only interaction and not have any emotional attachment. this is just a guess though, because i don't get it either. from my perspective, sex is really quite lovely when you actually like...(and even better when you actually care about...and be rather mind blowing when you are in heads-over-heels-in-love with) the person you are having sex with.

fourth, there is this idea that a specific relationship or marriage is the objective. this....this....just makes me want to shake my head. from my perspective, serious relationships and/or marriage are a pain in the ass, a hella lot of work, and oodles of compromise. they should only be entered because there is mutual admiration, respect, and the belief that each other are so amazing that it is worth going through all of the hard work that comes with marriage. in other words...."this person is amazing. i love them. i respect them. i want to grow old with them." as the reasons to enter the marriage....rather than "i want to get married and therefore this person is the one i will marry." see the difference? well, i seem to see the remarkable difference. it is like someone is in love with the idea of marriage rather than the person that they seek to get married to.

i actually have more observations as well. yet, i won't go into them. i think i've made my point with these.

i know that i'm a pretty cranky curmudgeonly person. yet, i am a cranky curmudgeonly person that knows that love does exist....and with the right person....there is no feeling that can compare. none.

i would wish for folks to be a bit nicer, more honest, more respectful, as that would make things a wee bit easier for folks to make connections.....yet, i get the odd impression that they wouldn't want it that way. there are many people that like the meanness, the manipulation, the games, and the belief that marriage/serious relationship are major objectives to achieve. they like the status quo that this scene has become.

it makes me sad and just shake my head.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

after midnight

hmmmm. so last night....or rather....earlier this morning, i was feeling restless. it was well after midnight and wasn't able to sleep. sometimes that happens. i'm familiar with what i need to do when that happens. i got up, worked on some of my pics of shots.....




i had taken around the city over the past few weeks...





and wrote a bit until whatever what was needed to be addressed was addressed. now, after a few hours sleep and work at the job, i think i know why.


last night i went with some friends to a showing at the sfiaaff and one of the filmmakers mentioned something about people with day jobs taking ownership of being filmmakers or artists. the implication being that the day job was something to fund the true identity of being an artist. i could tell that message resonated with quite a few people in the room. i could definitely see how that would resonate with some people that need to hear that.



well, for me...i disagree. or i disagree with the implication. why does it have to be either or? why does it have to be one thing and not another? why does it have to be defined by these parameters? or to the point...why does my sense of identity of who i am have to be predefined by someone else?

i get that some people need that kind of predefined single aspect to focus on....almost like a box that they can comfortably fit into. a label that they can rally behind. or an identity that they can fit into.

yet, it is not for me. i prefer to have a life where i pursue multiple aspects and passions to create a life and an identity...as they are my life and my identity. i really don't care if other people don't agree or don't get it.

in the wee hours of the morning though, i was a lot less tempered on the whole thing. as i read through what i wrote this morning, i see a lot of raw annoyance.

this is what i wrote....

title: i am not a writer.

i write.

i write because i cannot not write. i write because not to write leaves me restless. i write because not to write leaves me with simultaneous contradictory paradoxical feelings of a nagging loss and being weighted by things i cannot see, touch, hear, or taste.

i always write. i write in public. i write in private. i write even when i do not have a pen in my hand or my fingers on a keyboard. i write in my head while i stand.....ride the bus.....walk up a flight of stairs....any moment and every moment. it doesn't matter.

i write the moment and every moment.

i write not for public approval. i write not for an audience. i write because when i write i am able to be joyously selfish. i write what i want with no compromises. i write because doesn't matter if i am good or not. i write to just write. there is no failure nor success. there is only this intangible high and unquantifiable cathartic release that lulls me.

i am not a writer because to be a writer means to be beholden to expectations of an audience. i am not a writer because to be a writer invites judgment, evaluations, and opinions of others that i'm just not interested in being aware of.

i write and i am not a writer.