Wednesday, March 27, 2013

remember who you are

i still write, cook, and take pictures…just not here.

there will never be a point in my life where i will not do these things. they are a part of who i am. yet, it was time to put aside the foodie hunter alias and take responsibility for the intimate words, ideas, images, and stories that i have explored here.

it was time to no longer take shelter behind the veil of anonymity. it was time to have one life instead of multiple segmented lives that knew nothing of each other. it wasn't and isn't easy. i’m still working on it. it will happen.

the foodie hunter blog was never really about food. it was about pursuing passions. it was about learning and doing things out of love and not caring if i was good enough. it was about pushing myself to go well beyond my comfort level… and be willing to let people see me.

it was also about pride. a hella lot of pride. i wanted to prove that no matter where i came from or what i had been through…i still choose to be the person i want to be.

every moment is a choice.

it really is.

for my last post, i choose to write to EC, a completely stubborn spitfire. it is not going to be easy for you my love. i hope that i'll be there to see you grow into the amazing woman i have a feeling you will be. if not, you'll be able to see what i've written here and know that you are not alone. i haven't always been right...but i have been truthful. this too is a deliberate choice to break cycles.

your choices are your own.

so, my ever so charming willful stubborn spitfire.....someday, you'll be in a situation where you will be heartbroken.

you’ll be heartbroken because of a lover, a dream unrealized, family, friends, unexpected loss....the sources of potential heartbreak are endless.

someday, you'll be sitting on the floor of the tub, your head on your knees, feeling the hot water pour over you, alone, and you'll wonder if you'll make it.

someday, you'll feel your breath leave you and know that the reason why you have such a hard time breathing has nothing to do with the water or the heat. 

someday, you'll wonder how is it possible to feel rage, sadness, and be numb. simultaneously.

nothing will make sense because you thought you did everything you possibly could and it wasn't good enough. then you'll know that you didn't do everything you could have. then, you'll go through all of the scenarios wondering if you shoulda, coulda, woulda done something different.

you'll feel each regret. each what if. each bittersweet moment on a seemingly never ending continuous repeat.

you'll feel like you've failed, because, you have.

you have failed.

there is nowhere to hide from yourself.

you may or may not realize that how you choose to respond to your failures will define you.

will you give up? will you let it consume you? will you take that failure like a blanket, wrap yourself in it? for a day? a week? a month? a year? or until you are no longer counting and are physically living but not alive? this is the easiest route. people do it all of the time. people will encourage you to take this route. people will pat you on the head and say "it will be okay" because they expect you to give up. 

or will you fight?

will you pick yourself up and charge again at life? will you think, investigate, try, discover, wonder about the almost never ending possibilities of what fighting back means? will you remember this....that fighting back will provide you with a steely confidence that can only be the result of absolutely heartbreaking failure. failure is a milestone. it is not the end. unless that is what you choose it to be.

i'm going to break one of my own rules of not interfering in other people's lives and say, i want you to fight. i expect you to fight. i know that you have it in you. i know that it is in your core. i remember when you were just a toddler....just raw little human energy...and saw you fall from a not so insignificant distance and how you literally blew the hair out of your face and got back up.

never allow anyone to take that away from you.

if you are reading this and think it is gone, it means that you let it happen. it means that it is time to get it back.

if you are reading this, angry, with your chin jutting out....(i can totally see it too) then you know what? i'm glad.

you better be fucking angry.

what? you think i don't fucking understand? that i don't understand what it means or how hard it is to fight? how tiring it is? how much it hurts? how draining it is? how easy it is to not fight? how scary it choose to fight?

actually, your mom knows exactly what it means and so do i. i am not asking you to do anything that i haven't done myself. so that whiny "you just don't understand" bullshit has no place here.

yes, be angry at me and what i have said. take that anger, channel it, and don't let heartbreaking failure be the end.

if i am not with you, telling you this in-person, then know that no matter where i am, i love you..... and that i always expect you to remember who you are.